Rest

"When I shall with my whole soul cleave to Thee,

I shall nowhere have sorrow or labour,

and my life shall live as wholly full of Thee."

-Saint Augustine

i hesitate to write anything on the subject of Rest--of being found wholly and truly in God--because i am certain that it has been voiced more eloquently and with greater wisdom than i could ever aspire to, by those in my own personal "great cloud of witnesses."

i have learned, however, that what is read, heard or observed is worthless if it is not received, nurtured and absorbed.
like the soil praising the flower but refusing the seed.
and so, though i admire and value the wisdom and experiences of men and women before me, i will attempt to articulate what has resounded in the caverns within me, what i humbly hope to nurture and cultivate in my own heart, and thus in my life.

i felt the Lord nudging and whispering to me about the word, rest, for the first time nearly two years ago. i have begun to understand what is meant by the four letter word only in the last two months.

He has been far more patient than i.

i have written before about feelings of being sidelined, benched, coddled in safety while everyone else got to bravely fight frontiers and passionately pursue their God-given dreams with God-given grace and favour.

i was angry and a little hurt. maybe a lot hurt. i tried to accept it as the best for me, to find peace in knowing it was God's will, but i failed miserably for a long, long time.

i was only willing to rest so long as there was promise, certainty of fruitfulness on the other side of this "rest"; a God-glorifying Promise Land on the other side of this "where is your God now" desert.

in all of my asking, my stubborn refusal to appear unfruitful and unfaithful in the way i understood those things, the Lord calmly and patiently repeated to me, 

"Rest. Rest. Dwell. Rest."

i began to see that He seemed to connect trust with rest, and rest with abiding in Him, but i didn't see how. the recurrence of those words just annoyed and frustrated me.

what faith does it take to live in salem, oregon? 

to sit on my couch with tea?

to do the only job i've ever known in soft-cushioned america?

apparently it takes more faith than i had,

and a different faith than i had ever understood.

"in repentance and Rest you shall be saved,

in Quietness and Trust is your strength."

isaiah 30:15

my seemingly noble aim was to glorify and honour God with my life, to go from strength to strength, to not "leave the mission field" and simply return home to a job with a pay check and a house in the suburbs.

unfortunately for my great plan, i moved into a duplex in the suburbs of salem and shortly thereafter received a pay check from a job. actually multiple pay checks from multiple jobs.

i was disappointed in me.

"Why won't you just REST?"  i was asked emphatically, and on numerous occasions,  by one who is not afraid to remind me what God has spoken.

"i don't know how!" and "i'm trying!" were my two responses. 

they were both frustration;

they were both completely missing the point.

so there's the history. here's the story:

all God has ever wanted is me. is you.

not the fruit of our lives, not the faithful work or the heart-wrenching sacrifice,

just us. being.

it is true that doing will flow out of being,

that true faith will show in actions,

but our natural inclination, or mine at least, is to prove our being by our doing.

obviously i'm well with the Lord, don't you see what i'm doing?

of course my roots are deep and my faith is strong, 

don't you see the daring feats and brilliant ministry in my life?

and then suddenly, quietly and quite stealthily,
there is not longer room for being.

it has been nudged out and practically consumed
by the doing which was meant to prove the being.

and with us being hardly aware, the doing has become empty, hallow.

we know, all of us, in the core of our beings, 

in the deepest most neglected places of our hearts,

that no amount of doing will suffice to fill the void of a misplaced being.

but the silence and stillness, the apparently empty caverns of inactivity are so frightening, so intimidating to us that we dare not stop. 

we keep moving busily in hopes that we will work our way back
to an identity we once knew.

or perhaps never knew for ourselves, but at one point saw faintly as a possibility.

i think this is where the saying, 

"if you find yourself in a hole, stop digging" applies.

alas. digging is all we've come to know, and ceasing to dig now appears not only foolish but terrifying.

Thomas Merton says of a man in just such a situation,

"The very act of resting is the hardest 

and most courageous act he can perform: 

and often it is quite beyond his power."

this must be the reason that the mystery of "rest" has only begun to be let in 

in the last two months, though it has knocked faithfully at the door for as many years: it is quite beyond his power.

i spent all of my time and energy trying to attain rest in my own power,

but it was like trying to drive a car with no transmission.

i worked at rest so hard that it became merely another form of doing.

the key, i think, is release.

release all that has defined me, all that i have clung to 

in hopes of being significant,

every definition of success that i have tried to emulate,

even every understanding i have had of myself in God up to this moment.

knowing how God felt about me five years ago does nothing to convince my flesh that He feels the same today, in this less glorious place, in this quieter vocation.

how can a pledge to radical obedience land me in salem?

release.

rest.

trust.

salem. short for jerusalem. 

jerusalem: "founded peaceful"

peace.

the moment i have ceased to strive, ceased to work to produce, 

to bring glory to God by the fruits of my labours,

it is then that i have begun to trust God at His word.

"you are my servant...in whom i will be glorified."

-isaiah 49:3

if i could effectively glorify God in my own strength, i would really be glorifying no one but myself. i would be a self-made man attempting in false humility to point upward from the monument of my own accomplishments to a being without whom i can apparently do great things.

"If they were absolutely perfect and changeless in themselves,

they would fail in their vocation,

which is to give glory to God by their contingency."

(Thomas Merton--No Man Is An Island)

HE is the Lord, HE will not give His glory to another. (isaiah 42)

"Be still and know that I am God"

-isaiah 46:10

these two years have been a time of beginning to learn 

what a life pleasing to God looks like.

it looks like yielding.

like surrender.

like abandon.

like faith

 that if i walk in the will of God,

though His will be villages of Fiji or suburbs of Salem,

He will be glorified: 

that is His word, in which He cannot lie.

i know one thing now quite clearly: no matter how many impressive or awe-inspiring things i produce, 

or how quiet and mundane my days are, 

if the center is not God, 

if the source is not His power made perfect in my weakness, 

all will have been for naught.

to rest is to know with full confidence that beyond all activity and productivity, i am accepted in Christ, wholly and dearly loved, created in His likeness and for His glory; that like the mountains and the flowers and all created things, the greatest glory i can give to God is to be.

i'm sure i could go on forever, but i would very quickly negate the purpose of everything i've written.

i will close with a few thoughts from a few who know their need for stillness in the Lord, and leave you with a list of highly recommended readings that have encouraged, challenged, and spurred me on to greater rest and deeper trust in the One who loves me in spite of, rather that because of, my doing.

"To have a gentle and quiet spirit is to have a heart of faith,

a heart that trusts in God,

a spirit that has been quieted by His love

and filled with His peace."

-John Eldridge on 1 Peter 3:3-4

"He will quiet you with His love..."

-Zephaniah 3:17

recommended reading:

Thomas Merton--No Man Is An Island (especially chapter 7)

Thomas R. Kelly--A Testament of Devotion

John and Stasi Eldridge--Captivating

Zephaniah 3

Isaiah 43 & 49

1 Corinthians

Psalms 23 & 37