asking the wrong questions

in the last few years, i have found myself rarely learning something definite, rarely having easy-to-explain "this is what i know now" moments. 

"learning" or "realising" something has been more like getting to the next layer of a jawbreaker than cracking open a kinder surprise. it's not surprising, it is exactly what it ought to be, and once the novelty of it wears off, i realise, "of course! i have known that. haven't i known that?" 

but never mind having known it, the knowing is more now. it's deeper. and it's closer to the core. and so it matters. it's just challenging to chronicle the happening of such a thing, especially in a way that causes people to say something other than, "didn't you already know that?" 

but writing is really more for one's self than it is for others. it's a sharing of experience with a vague hope that someone somewhere will connect or be encouraged.

so. 

i have been slowly discovering the intricate truths of what it is to walk with God. that it is so much more about the quiet core than it is about the busy peripheral. there's always so much going on around, but the sweet spot, all the goodness, is right in the centre. 

like a flower. the pretty petals weren't meant to be a stopping point, they were meant to attract and draw in the bees, get them to the good stuff.

like a tornado. the safest place is in the centre; if you don't stay there, you might end up in oz. right?

a few month's ago i was trying to make a decision. not a ginormous, someone-might-die decision, but a this-changes-a-lot-of-things decision. and i'm not great at this-changes-what's-for-lunch decisions, so changes-a-lot-of-things is quite daunting. 

i thought about cause and effect, i thought about pro/con, i thought about good challenge vs bad challenge, ability to give out vs need to receive, finances, time, effort, wanting to vs feeling required to...i put my current situation on one side of a scale, and my if-i-say-yes-to-this on the other side, and did my best to sort out which outweighed the other in goodness (read: comfort and ease).

and then, one night, sitting on my couch, contemplating life in general, the need to decide struck me again, and i shot up a prayer about it. and then it hit me.

are you most concerned about comfort and safety?

or are you most concerned about honouring God?

it was a fear of the Lord moment. a humbling. a reverence. 

are you standing in the presence of God and making your opinion,

your comfort,

your wants and desires,

your safety nets,

you,

the central factor in this decision?

in the presence of God?

and isn't this how i look at most things? through the lens of my own preference and comfort?

God calls us forward, ever forward...not tirelessly, not without rest, the key is rest in the midst of the journey, rest in the heart of God....as we travel in the shadow of his wing...under the cloud and huddled by the fire of his protection. 

and we fear?

we look at the road ahead with caution and suspicion? 

we ponder ability and preparedness and capacity? 

it is God who calls us forward. the same God who called out abram and his barren wife, to "the land which I will show you..." 

who brought joseph from a pit, and a prison, to great responsibility and influence.

who called forward moses, with nothing but a dodgy reputation and a staff.

who led israel out of egypt, and their "clothes did not wear out..." for forty years.

who anointed david, and his slingshot, to restore a nation to greatness.

who brought esther out from obscurity, before a king, to save her people. 

this is God. 

and we worry. 

no wonder worry is a sin, it's a blatant disregard for the proven nature and character of God. 

Jehovah-Sabaoth--the Lord of hosts, our Protector

Jehovah-Jireh--the Lord our Provider

Jehovah-Raah--the Lord our Shepherd

there is no valid ground for questioning,

"will God provide?"

if the question is "will there be enough..."

...time

...money

...capacity

...space to breath

...rest

then we're looking from the wrong perspective.

if the question is "will this honour the Lord?"

then the answer is yes.

there will be enough.

is God glorified in an exhausted, frantic, anxious servant?

this is a not a prosperity gospel...this is Jehovah-Jireh.

do you remember when israel made a golden calf,

and God wanted to destroy them?

do you remember moses' prayer?

"no! if you kill them they'll all be dead and i'll look like a failure!"

nope.

"why should the egyptians speak saying, 'with evil intent He brought them out

to destroy them from the face of the earth'?"

in other words, 

"God, what about your glory?"

what about the honour of God?

how would the world be different if eve had asked, 

"what will honour God?"

rather than 

"what if there's not enough...?"

how would the world be different if esther had asked,

"will it be safe?"

rather than

"will it honour God?"

if Jesus had?

let us consider the gravity of living our lives for the honour and glory of God.

the moment that question hit my mind, the answer settled deep in my heart, as a knowing. a rest. 

knowing that the answer was "yes, there will be enough."

not knowing how, but the "how" must be given to God. 

abram, joseph, moses, israel, david, esther...mary...

if we waited for an answer to "how?" before saying, "yes," there would be very few yeses. 

faith is, after all, the conviction of things not seen.