life and death and hawaii

a few years ago, about four actually, through a series of circumstances and nudges and whispers and loud statements, God made it clear that i was being benched.
"no hard feelings, hols, but i'm pullin you out of the game for a bit."

no hard feelings? yeah right, my feelings were definitely hurt. i was ticked.

my first thought was that we were taking a little breather, before something huge and amazing and wonderful. that thought was quickly followed by complete disbelief, because all of the amazing and huge and wonderful things i wanted, and felt God had spoken, had just been left behind. quite abruptly.

flash forward a year or so, when i finally started to get it: what it is to rest, to breathe deeply, to accomplish little outwardly and believe that much is being accomplished inwardly. and to be okay with that. thankful, even. maybe joyful. sometimes.
flash forward a month or so, when a friend said, "i still believe in the things God put on your heart."
no. that's silly. stop that. you're ruining my rest.
believe? for the future?
I THOUGHT WE WERE LAYING EVERYTHING DOWN. i am benched,  God won't let me do the things i wanted, or be where i wanted to be, how can i possibly believe for the future. no.
no.

before the benching, i was out there, on the field, doing my thing. let's say i was an outfielder, i don't think it matters which one. i felt effective there. i felt like i understood my contribution to the team. and i felt like that contribution was important. quiet, maybe, but important.
while i sat on the bench, of the kingdom of God, i had my eye on that patch of grass: that beautiful outfield. and i waited for it. i stared at it and tried to surrender it all at once.
when i felt like it was a no, no we're not going back to that piece of grass, then i didn't know what to do, so i stared at the ground in the dugout.
i don't like any other positions, and i don't know how to play any other positions, and i don't want to learn. i will learn to love my spot on the bench. i will be the best bencher ever. and i will be hospitable to all else who become benched.

after a while, God started bugging me about things...making me care about things. started prodding me to care about the team again. all of the positions still sounded stupid, but i started to really care about the whole team again. i wanted people in positions that suited them, and i wanted the team to win.
i wanted the kingdom of God to bust a move and be victorious.
i was like the team manager in little league...i wasn't allowed to play, but i was a cheerer and an encourager and an exhorter and a "get back out there and give it all you got!!"-er.
somebody else was playing my outfield position. whatever. take it. i'm on the bench. i'm being awesome on the bench.

then came hawaii and whispers of death and total confusion because there isn't anything left to die to! everything is dead! and then, "no, holly, death."

the questions lay before me:

do you want to see the kingdom come, 

to see Me glorified, 

so badly that you are willing to play whatever 
position i ask you to to see that happen?

 are you willing, even, to be on the heaven side of the team 
rather than the earth side of the team 

if it means the most growth of the kingdom on earth, 

and the most glory given to Me? 

are you going to sit on the bench and wait for the position of your dreams, 

the one you've always wanted, 

and close your ears and eyes and heart to the possibility of anything else, 

even if it means that My kingdom is suffering? 

will you demand to be put back on the field, on your coveted patch of grass, 

even if it means the team is weakened 

and you are less satisfied and ultimately less fruitful because of it?

basically, are you looking for the glory of God? 
or the happiness of your own circumstances.

if you aren't willing to lay everything down, life itself, are you really willing to lay anything down at all? or are all of your lay downs just partial, just conditional?
"sure i'll lay this down, because you must have something better for me."
"when one door closes another one always opens!"

we are confronted by Jesus, are we not?
Jesus who said yes to the laying down of His rightful place. yes to the laying down of His deserved glory and honour. yes to laying down the right to be worshiped and venerated.
yes to laying down His life.

and so, in fear and trembling, i said yes. yes, Lord, whatever you want from me, it's yours. take my life, literally if you will. you know what is best, and it's all for your glory anyway.
i cannot call him "Lord" and also lay out conditions, hold to provisions.
he's either Lord, or he's not.

i laid my body down on the floor, my heart bare before a Father, my life in the hands of a King...

and the strangest thing happened:
new life. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," 

declares the Lord,

"plans for welfare and not calamity

to give you a future and a hope."

-Jeremiah 29:11