six months ago, i wrote a blog about it, which alluded to the new hope and life that is born from the death of surrender. ("death" and "surrender" were, oddly, the main themes of my trip).
"new hope and life," in this particular instance, came in the form of vision for the future, which had been lacking in my life.
so i'm moving to los angeles. in a week and a bit.
i started to write this update when it was still hypothetical, about a month ago, but left it as a draft for some reason i don't recall.
probably because i don't like writing things until they're certain.
i like writing after i've learned things, once i have perspective, when i get it.
well i don't get it, really, if we're being honest, but i figure you can't up and move to l.a. without at least writing a blog about it.
in my month-ago draft, i wrote about the ebb and flow of walking with God. how there are times of activity and excitement, vision and passion, dreams and daring...
and there are times of waiting and watching, praying and uncertainty, hope and holding on.
the ebb and flow is necessary, i think, as are tides and seasons.
waiting and watching can't go on forever, just like cold and winter can't go on forever (as learned from Frozen).
activity and excitement can't go on unceasingly, just like sun and heat must give reprieve (shout out Lion King).
anyway, the last few years have been a time of waiting and watching. maybe it shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, maybe i was stubborn, but here we are. about to embark on action and excitement.
or action, at the very least.
so why los angeles?
i wrote a little about the moment that l.a. came into focus for me in my stories from hawaii, but without much detail, since i wasn't sure how it would all pan out.
[brief overview: in hawaii, total surrender, asked about vision, scoffed at being asked about vision, opened heart--ever so briefly--upward, and in a whisper:
los angeles. coffee shop.
really?
really?
but of course! here are two things, quietly hidden in my heart, like treasures sunk deep in the sand under turbulent tides, two things which i had nearly abandoned, but God had never forgotten.
my precious heavenly father...just waiting to whisper them to me again...
remember? there are things you care deeply about.
there are things your heart aches for,
comes alive at the thought of.
and You know about them? care about them? the desires of my heart?
too good.]
over the years my heart has ached consistently for so many in the entertainment industry who seem to have very little grounding, very few people in life to remind them who they are, why they are, that they are enough. i think this is pretty prevalent in all circles, but it's made rather public in hollywood.
regardless of our place in society, our identities can get so easily entangled in outward things, things that are constantly shifting, things that could disappear in a moment.
and if all of your little identity tentacles are wrapped around one moveable and uncontrollable thing and your feet rest on unstable ground...what happens when that thing leaves, when that ground shakes or crumbles?
if all of your self-worth is found in numbers and accolades,
what happens when the numbers don't add up and the accolades don't come in?
could you end up spending your entire life becoming a person that everyone else wants? that everyone else defines? a commodity?
and after a while, could you realize that you're not sure who you really are, and you have no idea how to tell when you're enough?
the phrase "die trying" comes to mind.
my hope, in the broadest of terms, is to be available as a truth-speaking friend, a grounding voice, in a city that has become a hub of false proclamations, forged identities, and counterfeit values.
if everyone else is telling you that you're worth nothing unless you can produce something, i would like to be there to tell you they're wrong.
i would like to be there to tell you that there is an unquantifiable and irrevocable value in the core of who you are; one that is unchanged by tides or opinions, unmoved by the strongest storm.
(like mufasa to simba--so many life lessons in that movie...though we may not all be "the one true king.")
so i'm moving to l.a.
and this is my briefest explanation of why.
and i know, i could do that anywhere, my mother agrees. but i'm going to head to l.a. and do it there for a while, and see how it goes.
feel free to stop by and say hi.
