Oops, I haven't blogged in almost a year. Here's a little update.
I was reading the other day, in Psalms, in the bible, and for whatever reason I read Psalm 76.
"God is known in Judah;
His name is great in Israel.
And His tabernacle is in Salem,
His dwelling place is also in Zion.
There He broke the flaming arrows,
the shield, and the sword,
and the weapons of war."
That line, "His tabernacle is in Salem," it just warms my heart. And it made me reflect back on my four years in Salem (in Oregon, not Jerusalem, which is what the above "Salem" is referring to).
I know I read this verse, and others like it, during my time in Salem, when all I wanted was to go somewhere else. And I know I sighed deeply, many times, because the only direction I felt like I was getting was, "Shh shh, just be here."
But as I read that verse again, more than one year out of Salem, I was able for the first time to really appreciate my time there. And not just talk myself through the "this is probably good," but actually deep down in my heart feel grateful for it. Grateful to the Lord for Salem, and for giving me four years there, even if it didn't need to be four years and it just turned into four years because of my stubbornness and fear and indecision. But back to the psalm.
Verse three says,
"There He broke the flaming arrows, the shield, and the sword, and the weapons of war."
And maybe that was the first time I really saw it, but that's exactly it.
I left Australia and returned to the northwest with defenses high and lies buried deep. I was angry and hurt and confused, and I felt rejected and embarrassed and ashamed. For years I barely held on to hope that God would redeem any of it...beauty from ashes, joy from mourning...how? when?
God is very sneaky, I think, at least with me. He moves quietly, slowly, and lifts things off of me like dew evaporating...almost imperceptible, but steady and unrelenting.
Somehow, in the midst of everything, he broke the flaming arrows and the weapons of war. I think of the "flaming missiles of the evil one" that Ephesians talks about, telling us to take up the shield of faith which can extinguish them. And to me that has always seemed like a bold move by a bold person, taking up their valiant shield of faith. But looking back, for me it has been a quiet stance. More of a sit, really. A hunkering down behind all the faith I could muster, weak as it was, and begging to be rescued. But that was enough. Because God is more than enough. Because all the while--with little holly hunkered behind her little faith and feeling like everything hinged on its strength--all the while, He was the one. It was Him, breaking the flaming arrows, the weapons of war.
He fought for me.
"The Lord will fight for you, you have only to be still."
-Exodus 14:14
And He believed for me. For a hope and a future. How magnificent, and humbling.
Trembling little Holly, and giant powerful God, just waiting for her, shielding, extinguishing arrows, until she's ready.
- - - - -
Halloween was my one year anniversary of living in Los Angeles, which is all at once pretty crazy and totally believable. It feels like a year. It just doesn't feel like, "WOW! What a YEAR!" Maybe a little more like, "whew, what a year."
This was my basic plan in moving down here:
1-Move down at the end of October.
2-Be jobless for a month or two while I figured things out and explored.
3-Get a really fabulous job at the perfect place at the perfect time.
4-Get super plugged in to a great church community.
5-Change the world.
Easy peasy, yes?
This is what happened:
1-Move down at the end of October. (win!)
2-Be jobless for a week, maybe two. (I rarely do things
faster than planned, so what the heck: win.)
3-Interview for and sort of accidentally accept a job while simultaneously hearing about other opportunities that also sounded neat but who am I to turn down a job? (win?)
4-Find a church I'm a big fan of but cannot attend regularly due to work schedule. (partial win?)
5a-Decide this job is perfect--it's local, it's coffee, it's plugged into the entertainment industry.
5b-Realize that wearing a tie and suspenders is not, in fact, the only thing I hate about this job.
5c-haaaaaaaate thiiiiiiiis joooooob
5d-Interview elsewhere and eventually switch over: DREAM JOB
5e-okay, good job? yes. dream job? no. is there a dream job? who knows.
5f-Come to the realization that moving to Los Angeles by yourself with no clear plan is basically like moving to a new country by yourself with no clear plan, and that it's okay that not everything got figured out in under a year, and it's okay that Los Angeles is not yet a utopian society as per Holly's influence, and that maybe it's good enough that you know really good people, and can at the very least livestream a really good church, and find your way from the 405 to the 118 to the 210 for work, or the 405 to the 101 to the 134 if traffic is good. And gosh darn it, you know where the closest Trader Joe's is. (emphatic WIN.)
Did we expect the clear plan to magically reveal itself once we arrived? No. Hoped, maybe, but did not expect. So I think it's been a year well spent. I don't have super exciting stories of how I've been used as God's chosen instrument to singlehandedly change the entertainment industry for the better, and I'm not sure I've made all the right choices to properly position myself to be said instrument.
But hey, God didn't say, "Move to LA and figure it all out! Don't. Mess. Up."
I think God just said, "Come, follow me."
Done. (win.)
Aim to keep doing. (future win.)
It's been 385 days, and it's been a little crazy, but it's the best.
I mean, not like
Oregon "the best." like it's own little kind of best. but still. we can't all be oregon, can we.
God promised a long time ago, that after some sucky stuff, "...the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Jesus Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." (1 Peter 5)
[A little Greek study for you:
"perfect"--repair, mend, prepare, restore.
"confirm"--turn resolutely in a certain direction, strengthen.
"strengthen"--in bodily vigor, or figuratively in spiritual knowledge and power.
"establish"--lay the foundation, settle, ground.]
And I feel it. I'm confused about how He's moving now, but to look back on a period of time that felt like literally nothing was happening and nothing would ever change, and be absolutely certain that God was working, very actively, for me...it helps me take a deep breath and believe that He's doing the same now. In all the mysteries and uncertainties of this last year, I can look back and say that I feel more of all of those things...restored, strengthened, settled. A little bit miraculous, I suppose.
And I'm excited for every unknown thing that's coming. It's gonna be great.
Jesus loves me. God loves these people. Holy Spirit come move in Los Angeles.
Amen.
