crave

you may or may not know that i have a bit of a "healthy tooth," rather than the infamous "sweet tooth." (don't worry, i still have a very healthy dark chocolate tooth).
sometimes people marvel at my "discipline" to eat so healthy, to abstain from sweets and say no to foods that seem to almost seduce a person...and sometimes i just let that be: i let them marvel because i don't have time to crush their delusion.

but when i have the chance to...

i tell them more than they ever wanted to hear.


i tell them about re-training your cravings, teaching your body what it actually needs, and teaching it to want those things. i tell them how i used to wake up craving toast with jam and how one day i woke up craving carrots. carrots.

my ears perk at the word "broccoli," my eyes light up at the sight of snow peas, my mouth waters at the thought of hummus...i might be crazy.

BUT: my body knows what it wants, because it has learned what nourishes it.

it didn't used to. it used to think, "mmm...chocolate cake would hit the spot." or, "i need something filling...give me bread."

so when people think i'm amazingly disciplined...they're only like .5% right. i'm disciplined in the same way that it takes discipline to not run across the road when there are cars coming: you don't really have to, but you would if coerced, so not doing it isn't so much discipline as minimally-thought-out choice. i generally use as much discipline to eat healthy as i use choosing to not eat steak: not a lot.

i just don't want the bad stuff anymore...just like i don't have the urge to dodge traffic or devour a steak (i am a vegetarian, otherwise it would be perfectly normal to crave steak).

and here's the thing: the "bad" stuff is fine in proper proportions to "good" stuff; it's fine to eat a brownie sometimes. i genuinely believe that it's good for the soul.

but we all know when it's not right, right? we all cringe when we hear of someone who regularly eats whole pans of brownies...who ate two super-size meals today...who had 64 ounces of soda with their lunch. it's too much. it's not good for the soul. on the contrary, it's often a sign that there's something wrong in there.

so, the point.

the point is, it occurred to me today that the same is true for my heart. the details get a little bit fuzzy, but here's a basic key to the analogy:

stomach=heart
broccoli=worship
snow peas=scripture
hummus=spiritual guidance/prodding/challenge (what is the soul's equivalent to salivating?)
toast with jam=the cute first season episodes of the office, when you just know jim and pam were meant for each other...it gives you the warm fuzzies, and makes you sigh.
chocolate cake=pride & prejudice

there is real deal sugar rush from cake, just as there is real emotional indulgence in pride & prejudice.

there is real deal nourishment from healthy food, just as there is real heart nourishment from God.

and like brownies, pride & prejudice is good for the soul sometimes.

but how often does my heart yearn, and i feed it pride & prejudice?

how easily does my body learn that cake is a quicker fix than carrots? just a few days without my usual diet and my body begins to say, "ooo...bread sounds good...find some sugary bread!" 

the same is true of my heart...only more so...because somehow matters of the heart are more sneaky, and more dramatic. we are lulled into muted emotions...quieted longings to be with God. we become satisfied with less. we snack when there's a feast waiting.

my tired and ill-conditioned heart whispers to me, "let's watch pride & prejudice." 

in healthier days, my heart would grow weary and cry out, "be near to me, O God!" it would throw me violently at the feet of a loving, satisfying Creator...and it would be fulfilled. it would be comforted. my heart knew its home, and it ran there the moment it realized it had strayed. 

but O! devastation! my heart has gone the way of eve's and doubted the character of God. 

in a weak and hungry moment it felt that perhaps He wouldn't live up to His promises...perhaps His love is just like the other loves i've known:

perhaps it won't satisfy my deepest longing, 

perhaps it will hurt me, leave me feeling empty, 

poured out and not filled, 

broken and not restored.

but you know what can be depended on? mr. darcy. 

mr. darcy, despite every foolish and proud action of elizabeth bennett, will pursue her to the end. against all odds, with no certainty that her heart can be won, he will fight for her. 

he will risk relationship and reputation to prove his love to her. and she will be won.

and jim halpert. though it seems hopeless, he will quietly fight to win pam's heart. and she'll fight it, but he will persist to the point of personal humiliation, and she will melt, and give her heart to him.

and i know this like i know the satisfaction of chocolate cake.

but doesn't sugar weaken my immune system? and bring with its insta-enegry a bunch of empty calories? and make my whole body freak out in attempt to re-balance my blood-sugar levels? 

oh hush. it's delicious.

and don't vegetables and good proteins give me vitamins and minerals and help my body sustain rather than peak and crash?

well...yeah...

and doesn't God answer the deepest longings of my soul, and respond to the cries of my heart, and satisfy my every need? isn't His word my sustenance?

and don't mr. darcy and elizabeth just leave me hungry?

all it takes is a re-training. all it takes is answering those sugary-pride-and-prejudice cravings with an unwavering, absolutely certain, "no, i will give you what you need. i will give you broccoli and i will give you God." 

at first it's discipline, and then it's a no-brainer. 

it begins with a gritting of the teeth and digging in of the heels, and becomes arms wide open and feet running, yelling with the pilgrim, "life! eternal life!" 

O my soul, know today where true life is found. believe that He satisfies. long for that which sustains. do not be content with the love stories of others, 

know that love for yourself. 

know that your Saviour has pursued you far beyond personal humiliation and loss of reputation, with more unwavering commitment than mr. darcy or jim halpert could dream of. 

know that He has fought for you, and fights for you still. 

He will not surrender the fight until your heart is won. 

know that cake is nice, but broccoli is so much better. 

it sounds crazy until you know it's true experientially, but once you know, it's madness to turn back.