asking the wrong questions

in the last few years, i have found myself rarely learning something definite, rarely having easy-to-explain "this is what i know now" moments. 

"learning" or "realising" something has been more like getting to the next layer of a jawbreaker than cracking open a kinder surprise. it's not surprising, it is exactly what it ought to be, and once the novelty of it wears off, i realise, "of course! i have known that. haven't i known that?" 

but never mind having known it, the knowing is more now. it's deeper. and it's closer to the core. and so it matters. it's just challenging to chronicle the happening of such a thing, especially in a way that causes people to say something other than, "didn't you already know that?" 

but writing is really more for one's self than it is for others. it's a sharing of experience with a vague hope that someone somewhere will connect or be encouraged.

so. 

i have been slowly discovering the intricate truths of what it is to walk with God. that it is so much more about the quiet core than it is about the busy peripheral. there's always so much going on around, but the sweet spot, all the goodness, is right in the centre. 

like a flower. the pretty petals weren't meant to be a stopping point, they were meant to attract and draw in the bees, get them to the good stuff.

like a tornado. the safest place is in the centre; if you don't stay there, you might end up in oz. right?

a few month's ago i was trying to make a decision. not a ginormous, someone-might-die decision, but a this-changes-a-lot-of-things decision. and i'm not great at this-changes-what's-for-lunch decisions, so changes-a-lot-of-things is quite daunting. 

i thought about cause and effect, i thought about pro/con, i thought about good challenge vs bad challenge, ability to give out vs need to receive, finances, time, effort, wanting to vs feeling required to...i put my current situation on one side of a scale, and my if-i-say-yes-to-this on the other side, and did my best to sort out which outweighed the other in goodness (read: comfort and ease).

and then, one night, sitting on my couch, contemplating life in general, the need to decide struck me again, and i shot up a prayer about it. and then it hit me.

are you most concerned about comfort and safety?

or are you most concerned about honouring God?

it was a fear of the Lord moment. a humbling. a reverence. 

are you standing in the presence of God and making your opinion,

your comfort,

your wants and desires,

your safety nets,

you,

the central factor in this decision?

in the presence of God?

and isn't this how i look at most things? through the lens of my own preference and comfort?

God calls us forward, ever forward...not tirelessly, not without rest, the key is rest in the midst of the journey, rest in the heart of God....as we travel in the shadow of his wing...under the cloud and huddled by the fire of his protection. 

and we fear?

we look at the road ahead with caution and suspicion? 

we ponder ability and preparedness and capacity? 

it is God who calls us forward. the same God who called out abram and his barren wife, to "the land which I will show you..." 

who brought joseph from a pit, and a prison, to great responsibility and influence.

who called forward moses, with nothing but a dodgy reputation and a staff.

who led israel out of egypt, and their "clothes did not wear out..." for forty years.

who anointed david, and his slingshot, to restore a nation to greatness.

who brought esther out from obscurity, before a king, to save her people. 

this is God. 

and we worry. 

no wonder worry is a sin, it's a blatant disregard for the proven nature and character of God. 

Jehovah-Sabaoth--the Lord of hosts, our Protector

Jehovah-Jireh--the Lord our Provider

Jehovah-Raah--the Lord our Shepherd

there is no valid ground for questioning,

"will God provide?"

if the question is "will there be enough..."

...time

...money

...capacity

...space to breath

...rest

then we're looking from the wrong perspective.

if the question is "will this honour the Lord?"

then the answer is yes.

there will be enough.

is God glorified in an exhausted, frantic, anxious servant?

this is a not a prosperity gospel...this is Jehovah-Jireh.

do you remember when israel made a golden calf,

and God wanted to destroy them?

do you remember moses' prayer?

"no! if you kill them they'll all be dead and i'll look like a failure!"

nope.

"why should the egyptians speak saying, 'with evil intent He brought them out

to destroy them from the face of the earth'?"

in other words, 

"God, what about your glory?"

what about the honour of God?

how would the world be different if eve had asked, 

"what will honour God?"

rather than 

"what if there's not enough...?"

how would the world be different if esther had asked,

"will it be safe?"

rather than

"will it honour God?"

if Jesus had?

let us consider the gravity of living our lives for the honour and glory of God.

the moment that question hit my mind, the answer settled deep in my heart, as a knowing. a rest. 

knowing that the answer was "yes, there will be enough."

not knowing how, but the "how" must be given to God. 

abram, joseph, moses, israel, david, esther...mary...

if we waited for an answer to "how?" before saying, "yes," there would be very few yeses. 

faith is, after all, the conviction of things not seen.

the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field...

a post written for www.renewthekingdom.com 

"the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has, and buys that field." matthew 13:44

one of the most beautiful things to me about the Lord, and the story of his people, is the way that He gives Himself to His people.
sometimes he sends prophets, sometimes angels, sometimes dreams, but always He sends. it's amazing. no matter how much His people follow or revere Him, ignore or reject Him, still he pursues.

it's a beautiful mystery. and yet, because God is so beyond logic, it makes perfect sense.

"then God said, 'let Us make man in Our image, according to our likeness..." genesis 1:26

we were created in the image of God. a people endowed somehow with the essence of the nature of the Creator.
the word "image" is from a root meaning "shadow" or "phantom"...so it's true that we are faint, at best. but it's there. woven into our being, in the very breath by which He breathed life into our dust: a piece of the Divine.

we are not, like Edward Scissorhands, a removed creation; we are as children, carrying a piece of the chromosomal make-up of our parents.

so it makes sense, in a way, that God, being perfect in love, would not allow us to wander off and be lost forever, like a project gone wrong, out of sight and out of mind. it makes sense that as a mother could not allow her child to disappear without concern or pursuit, the Father of creation could not allow for the ones He breathed life into to walk away from life in Him without doing everything to bring them back. (we are promised that even should a mother forget her child, still the Lord not forget us--isaiah 49:15)

and yet, it is baffling, amazing, and incomprehensible, that He should follow so far, wait so long, give so much, for a people so determined to be independent of Him.

there are countless scriptures...most of the old testament is made up of rebellion stories, of warnings and prophecies and "don't you see how much you've strayed??"
and over and over again, promises of God, pursuit of God, love of God, grace of God, restraint of His wrath, outpouring of His wrath in attempt to awaken a deaf people. relentless love.

"the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has, and buys that field." matthew 13:44

we are like a field. matthew 13 doesn't say anything about what the field looked like, whether it was producing fruit, whether its soil was tilled or hardened, whether or not it was good soil...it simply says that there was a treasure hidden in a field. and the man knew that it was there. and he didn't make the field pretty, spruce it up, and then buy it. he didn't get an assessor or an appraisal or test the fertility of the soil. he knew the treasure was there, and from joy he sold everything. from joy. and bought the whole field. because of the treasure he knew it contained.

and i bet people looked at the field and thought, "you gave up everything for that?"

and i bet he smiled knowingly.

God is like the man who spared nothing because he saw the value, the very hidden value, somewhere you never would have guessed.

"He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?" romans 8:32

should the field be fertile, producing lush growth, fruit to provide and nourish...
should the field be fallow, clumped dirt, little weeds and pointless plants popping up, no crop to be seen...

no matter.

somewhere deep inside is a treasure that has always been, since we were knit together in the secret places. the breath of God. His own image.

and God gave everything--from JOY He gave--to redeem the field, because of the treasure that He breathed into it at the foundation of the world.

it is a value beyond compare. and it is in every one of us. waiting quietly, hidden, to be offered up for redemption and built into the kingdom of God.

Lord, we pray Your kingdom come.

Conversations on Home

a friend recently wrote asking my thoughts on "home," sort of. 

she asked, "so what do you do when you want to totally resist the idea of your 'hometown' as your new home?" 

like me, she has been, to use honest feeling words rather than entirely literal ones, displaced from somewhere she loved and exiled to her hometown.
i know, it sounds dramatic. but that's the thing about feelings, they tend to be a bit dramatic. 
and that's how it felt. 
it felt like God never said, "be here now," but he definitely never did anything to get me anywhere else, and never said any sort of, "you're free to go where you please."
and so here we are: "home."
my lovely friend also mentioned feelings of non-passion in a ministry that is completely worthwhile. 
(yes, i know that feeling.)

so what do you do when "home" doesn't feel like home anymore?
here are the thoughts i shared with her, my lovely friend in waiting:

• when i came back to salem, i came refusing to set down roots, refusing to commit to it as "home". but the only thing i was hearing from God was Psalm 37: dwell in the land. so, begrudgingly, and because someone else had done the work for me, i moved into the house i still live in with two girls...three weeks after coming back to the states. i was as ticked as my mom ("you've been gone forEVER and now you're moving out?!"), but i figured i had to live not-out-of-a-suitcase-at-my-parents' in order to "dwell in the land", and also that i could "dwell in the land" without really being involved in the land.
  then my church started a discipleship class deal called the timothy project, and it sounded good for people but totally unnecessary for me, but i felt like i was supposed to do it. and i fought it SO HARD. and i didn't even have the money for it, i had to take one of the scholarships to do it. my biggest fight, in my head and heart, was "i don't want to have to get to know people! i don't want friends! i don't NEED friends! i have friends in australia, and i'm not even going to stay here long enough to need friends."
  my whole heart held back. but felt pressed to join the dang thing anyway. and in the end it was really more about having a heart that would say yes to God.

  still, salem wasn't home anymore, australia was.

  honestly though, thinking back, my confirmations to stay in australia were words of security in God. they were invitations to be with him. and all commitments of heart, body and finances in australia were commitments to God, to the place we were together.
  the thing about a missional life, which we are now inextricably bound to, is that "home" is wherever you are. home is at the foot of his altar.
  God is everywhere, but you in God is sort of nowhere...you in God can happen or not happen in any city on any continent.

  my heart had lost that truth somewhere along the way in australia. i was no longer at home at the foot of his altar, i demanded that his altar come to where i was and be in what my heart was in. instead of a heart hidden in God working out in ministry, i think i had God hidden in a ministry which had my whole heart.

  we started out somewhere being uncertain of life in oz, and then we felt God's heart, for us, and for those kids, and the city, and the country. and then we were certain of life in oz. and then we left. and we can't go back. maybe just not yet, maybe not ever...hopefully just not yet.

  but to be here now, in a place where you can see from an intelligent perspective, and even heart perspective, that these people are so worth your investment, so in need of guidance and love and knowledge of all of the things that you have known of God. but you don't feel him like that right now. and you don't feel his heart for them like you know you can. you know that your whole soul can hurt for them with the heart of God. you know that it's possible to understand why Christ would die for them, because you know it's possible to feel like you might do the same.
  and if it's so worthy of your heart, and if you aren't allowed to leave, then why the heck don't you FEEL it?!
  it's like my boss said to me in my first interview: isn't this perfect for you? shouldn't you be happy?
  should be. should be. isn't. i'm not.

  i think it's a grace though. like a blinding of the heart. because he doesn't just want your feelings, maybe. he wants you. you. heart and soul. your everything. and if we can't become absorbed in what we're doing, we're left standing there...a little more available. drawn out into the desert, alone.

  i think he numbs our feelings sometimes because he wants to do something more, something deeper. he wants to get down to the roots which you might otherwise shoo him away from because your heart, and therefore mind and energy, is so consumed in this outward work.

  you are zealous for the Lord, zealous for the things on his heart, and to see his kingdom come on earth. but he is jealous for you, jealous for your heart, and jealous for his kingdom to come inside of you.
  he seems to quiet, or mute, everything else around sometimes, not allowing our hearts to be alive with passion like they once were for ministry, for young people. it's like he says, "do the work, but you can't be given to it. i need you right now."
  it reminds me of the allergy medicine commercials, where everything is blurred out until they take the pill.
  by his grace, you are impacting lives, you are doing a good work. it's just not fulfilling you like you know a vocation can.

  i don't think the key is in making your hometown feel like home to you, i think it's probably in making your soul feel at home in God again.

  oregon still doesn't feel "yaaay home!" to me, and my whole self isn't invested in what i'm doing like it was in australia; sometimes only my body is really all there, haha. and truly i felt terrible about that for a long time. but i can still pray, and i can still do the work, because i can still know objectively what God's heart is for these things, even when i don't feel it. it was only by his grace that i ever felt it before, so he must be able to give it to me here if he wants to.

  the thing is, God is passionate about you. and learning to embrace that, to let it in, is really one of the hardest, most important things. if you don't understand his love for you, and know how to love yourself well (or even just accept yourself and where you are), your loving your neighbour as yourself is gonna be pretty stinky. it's like he's asking you to put down the hose and be watered, maybe. or stop shouting the good news to everyone so you can hear him singing over you, maybe.

  home is where the heart is, and the heart will only ever really find its home in God.

  those are my lengthy thoughts on a feeling i know quite well. i also know that it has taken nearly two years of being back in my "hometown" for my heart to begin to understand again how to be at home in God. i don't know how to make that moving-in go faster, other than perhaps to stop fighting it, stop trying to move forward, stop trying to be better and do better, and surrender. but even that is hard.

  love you, praying for you, thank you so much for writing, i've been meaning to sit down and write to see how you are.
  love love

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

  recommended reading:

  Psalm 37, 84, 46

  Zephaniah 3:17 

"good" and "perfect" and "grace"

i've been pondering this thought, this "perhaps": that all is grace.

that all is grace.

gifts, mercies, joys...grace...challenges, struggles, trials...grace. 

(it seems counterintuitive, but go with me for a moment and consider the possibility)

if all we truly deserve is death (which Jesus took on the cross and conquered shortly thereafter) then every "good" thing (enjoyable, pleasurable, beautiful) given is is purely out of grace...yes?

if we deserve death, punishment, retribution, etc, but Jesus took all that on the cross (and God is gracious and good, slow to anger and full of lovingkindness, and doesn't go back on his word, and his word is, "it is finished")...then every "bad" thing (hard, draining, ugly) we endure is...what?

karma? satan? punishment?

grace?

"every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights..."

(james 1)

but that doesn't mean that he only gives good things, does it?

isn't he "the Father who scourges"? (hebrew 12)

but isn't discipline grace?

it's true that there are natural consequences for our actions (drunken revelry=puking your guts out, promiscuous sexuality=STDs, etc) 

and that there are inherit negative results of the fall (illness, disease, death)

but haven't we all heard stories of those who have made terrible decisions and wrap up with, "but by the grace of God, i never ________ (insert worst-case-scenario)."?

the sick child whom God graciously restored back to health?

a terrible business decision which God graciously delivers the believer from?

or the drunk driver who lost the ability to walk?

or the child who died suddenly despite prayers?

or the one who lost everything?

further in hebrews 12:

"...He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness."

paul's thorn in the flesh

lazarus' death

the thought i have pondered is that all things given,

death or life,

sorrowful trial or joyful blessing,

are given as graces from a gracious Father.

the possibility

that, as a good father knows that this child's rebellion will be best met with a warm embrace

and that child's rebellion will only be corrected with a stern word,

so the Father of lights knows that here i need gracious reprieve,

and there i need to experience the gravity of my error.

this one needs to be lavished upon in obvious blessing to bring her back to the right path,

and that one needs to be allowed to fall hard on the path he's strayed to 

to realize just how far he's wandered

this blessing will bring Him glory and He will hold me humble;

this trial will bring Him glory and He will hold me strong.

grace.

revelling in the lovingkindness of the lavish gifts of God...

grace.

growing endurance, patience, a steadfast spirit (and in the end strong character) through trial...

grace.

Jesus gave thanks when the breaking of the bread 

preceded the feeding of many thousands,

and also when the breaking of bread preceded the breaking of His body.

can i do the same?

receive all as grace?

it's a long road, with so many questions and uncertainties, to come to a place where we can rejoice with the healed lepers in having received such grace, 

and 

rejoice with the flogged and beaten apostles in having received such...grace. 

for the glory of God, for the fullness of knowing Christ, for becoming everything we were created to be, i think it's a road worth pursuing.

i think "good" and "perfect" are words worth reconsidering...redefining in our hearts,

until we can see all as grace,

and receive all with thanksgiving.

every good and perfect gift  is from above...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

-2 Corinthians 12

things you should read:

-every story or verse referenced above, to read the context;

if you don't know where it is, google it, or ask

-One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

-2 Corinthians 12:7-10

-the book of Galatians

-everything else Paul wrote in the New Testament of the Bible...

talk about a guy who knew what grace was.

crave

you may or may not know that i have a bit of a "healthy tooth," rather than the infamous "sweet tooth." (don't worry, i still have a very healthy dark chocolate tooth).
sometimes people marvel at my "discipline" to eat so healthy, to abstain from sweets and say no to foods that seem to almost seduce a person...and sometimes i just let that be: i let them marvel because i don't have time to crush their delusion.

but when i have the chance to...

i tell them more than they ever wanted to hear.


i tell them about re-training your cravings, teaching your body what it actually needs, and teaching it to want those things. i tell them how i used to wake up craving toast with jam and how one day i woke up craving carrots. carrots.

my ears perk at the word "broccoli," my eyes light up at the sight of snow peas, my mouth waters at the thought of hummus...i might be crazy.

BUT: my body knows what it wants, because it has learned what nourishes it.

it didn't used to. it used to think, "mmm...chocolate cake would hit the spot." or, "i need something filling...give me bread."

so when people think i'm amazingly disciplined...they're only like .5% right. i'm disciplined in the same way that it takes discipline to not run across the road when there are cars coming: you don't really have to, but you would if coerced, so not doing it isn't so much discipline as minimally-thought-out choice. i generally use as much discipline to eat healthy as i use choosing to not eat steak: not a lot.

i just don't want the bad stuff anymore...just like i don't have the urge to dodge traffic or devour a steak (i am a vegetarian, otherwise it would be perfectly normal to crave steak).

and here's the thing: the "bad" stuff is fine in proper proportions to "good" stuff; it's fine to eat a brownie sometimes. i genuinely believe that it's good for the soul.

but we all know when it's not right, right? we all cringe when we hear of someone who regularly eats whole pans of brownies...who ate two super-size meals today...who had 64 ounces of soda with their lunch. it's too much. it's not good for the soul. on the contrary, it's often a sign that there's something wrong in there.

so, the point.

the point is, it occurred to me today that the same is true for my heart. the details get a little bit fuzzy, but here's a basic key to the analogy:

stomach=heart
broccoli=worship
snow peas=scripture
hummus=spiritual guidance/prodding/challenge (what is the soul's equivalent to salivating?)
toast with jam=the cute first season episodes of the office, when you just know jim and pam were meant for each other...it gives you the warm fuzzies, and makes you sigh.
chocolate cake=pride & prejudice

there is real deal sugar rush from cake, just as there is real emotional indulgence in pride & prejudice.

there is real deal nourishment from healthy food, just as there is real heart nourishment from God.

and like brownies, pride & prejudice is good for the soul sometimes.

but how often does my heart yearn, and i feed it pride & prejudice?

how easily does my body learn that cake is a quicker fix than carrots? just a few days without my usual diet and my body begins to say, "ooo...bread sounds good...find some sugary bread!" 

the same is true of my heart...only more so...because somehow matters of the heart are more sneaky, and more dramatic. we are lulled into muted emotions...quieted longings to be with God. we become satisfied with less. we snack when there's a feast waiting.

my tired and ill-conditioned heart whispers to me, "let's watch pride & prejudice." 

in healthier days, my heart would grow weary and cry out, "be near to me, O God!" it would throw me violently at the feet of a loving, satisfying Creator...and it would be fulfilled. it would be comforted. my heart knew its home, and it ran there the moment it realized it had strayed. 

but O! devastation! my heart has gone the way of eve's and doubted the character of God. 

in a weak and hungry moment it felt that perhaps He wouldn't live up to His promises...perhaps His love is just like the other loves i've known:

perhaps it won't satisfy my deepest longing, 

perhaps it will hurt me, leave me feeling empty, 

poured out and not filled, 

broken and not restored.

but you know what can be depended on? mr. darcy. 

mr. darcy, despite every foolish and proud action of elizabeth bennett, will pursue her to the end. against all odds, with no certainty that her heart can be won, he will fight for her. 

he will risk relationship and reputation to prove his love to her. and she will be won.

and jim halpert. though it seems hopeless, he will quietly fight to win pam's heart. and she'll fight it, but he will persist to the point of personal humiliation, and she will melt, and give her heart to him.

and i know this like i know the satisfaction of chocolate cake.

but doesn't sugar weaken my immune system? and bring with its insta-enegry a bunch of empty calories? and make my whole body freak out in attempt to re-balance my blood-sugar levels? 

oh hush. it's delicious.

and don't vegetables and good proteins give me vitamins and minerals and help my body sustain rather than peak and crash?

well...yeah...

and doesn't God answer the deepest longings of my soul, and respond to the cries of my heart, and satisfy my every need? isn't His word my sustenance?

and don't mr. darcy and elizabeth just leave me hungry?

all it takes is a re-training. all it takes is answering those sugary-pride-and-prejudice cravings with an unwavering, absolutely certain, "no, i will give you what you need. i will give you broccoli and i will give you God." 

at first it's discipline, and then it's a no-brainer. 

it begins with a gritting of the teeth and digging in of the heels, and becomes arms wide open and feet running, yelling with the pilgrim, "life! eternal life!" 

O my soul, know today where true life is found. believe that He satisfies. long for that which sustains. do not be content with the love stories of others, 

know that love for yourself. 

know that your Saviour has pursued you far beyond personal humiliation and loss of reputation, with more unwavering commitment than mr. darcy or jim halpert could dream of. 

know that He has fought for you, and fights for you still. 

He will not surrender the fight until your heart is won. 

know that cake is nice, but broccoli is so much better. 

it sounds crazy until you know it's true experientially, but once you know, it's madness to turn back.

blessed **updated 2/20/12

ever since my first trip overseas, my first experience of a less that "first world" nation (Romania circa 2003), i have inwardly scoffed at the prayer, "God bless ________" if the blank was filled with anyone who lived in the U.S. or any other generally privileged nation. my mental response was, "He already has." 

my response has been in light of my definition of "bless", which has been "give good things to."

that was until yesterday. i did a word study on the Greek word we translate to "bless" or "blessed" in the Bible, and my mind was blown. thinking about it again this morning, the implications of this actual definition occurred to me...and amazed me....

"If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them." -John 13:17

#3107--Makarios--blessed. possessing the characteristic of deity... the state of the believer in Christ. He is indwelt by God because of Christ and as a result is fully satisfied.

(makarios ≠ happy, because happy is the person who has good luck*)

A blessed person is one whom God makes fully satisfied, not because of favourable circumstances, but because He indwells the believer through Christ.

To be makarios, blessed, is equivalent to having God's kingdom 

within one's heart.

Makarios is one who is in the world yet independent of the world; his satisfaction comes from God and not from favourable circumstances. 

(the contrast is endeēs-"the needy one")

Makarizō, to pronounce blessed, is used only of the 

Virgin Mary 

and the persecuted prophets.

"For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed." -Luke 1:48

blessed: makarizō vs. eulogeō (to speak well of)

"When we bless (eulogeō) God we are speaking well of Him which is equal to praising or thanking Him. When, however, we ask God to bless us or speak well of us, we are asking Him not merely to approve our plans but to interfere in our lives. 

God's words are God's actions. 

*happiness has Absolutely Nothing to do with makariotēs, "blessedness," an inner quality granted by God. The word "happiness"..."lucky,"  never occurs in the New Testament. 

The Lord never promised happiness, good luck, or favourable circumstances to the believer, but makariotēs, "blessedness."

This means His indwelling and the consequent peace and satisfaction to the believer no matter what the  circumstances may be."

...consider now the gravity of praying, "God bless _______."

be it for you, your mother, your best friend, your worst enemy, your leaders, those you lead....

we can now translate that simple and often nonchalant prayer to, 

"God, fill with all of your fullness, indwell, interfere with the path of, satisfy, bring peace and wholeness to ___________, regardless of all circumstances and situations, of fullness or depravity offered by people or economies, of happiness or pain."

the fact that i can pray that for someone, for myself even, and that God answers that prayer...

that astounds me. 

and i am more than happy to pray that kind of blessing for any person in any nation, because we all need more of that kind of blessedness.

excerpts and quotations from the Keyword Study Bible by AMG Publishers. 

this publishing of the Bible is freakin' amazing.

it has enriched my understanding of the Word 

(spoken, written, and in Flesh) indescribably.

get one. disregard monetary cost, all other gain will make up for it.

be still

for the past while i have complained about how God isn't saying anything to me.
about how He'll say things to me, but not say anything.
or rather, He'll say things to me, but not say things to me.

by that i mean, He won't say what i want to hear.

(God won't be my yes man. dang it.)


i have had slow realisations, however, that He has spoken; He's even repeated Himself. the message has been fairly clear the whole time. and i mean....the whole long time.

some of you will remember when i went to new zealand for holidays over Christmas...in 2009...that was the first time, at the beginning of this rather long season, that He told me to be still.

surprisingly (read: not surprisingly at all) i spent the first seven days of that 10 day trip not resting. i spent it trying to get answers and a plan from God. 10 steps to everything's-great: go!
didn't happen.

on the 8th day (i'm pretty sure on these numbers, forgive me if they're a little off when my memoir comes out) God gave me a but of a....rebuke? no, He just asked me a question: why did I ask you to come here?

BAM! knife to the heart.

to be still, God; you told me to be still.

so here we are, nearly two years later, and it has only just (in the last few months) occurred to me that i have spent a large portion of the last two years being DISOBEDIENT to One who asked me to rest. to be still with Him. to find safe pasture in His heart.

why?

honestly, safety sounded lame.

i think i've written that before. safety sounds so lame when the four years previous to that command ("enjoy safe pasture") were spent waiting for the next big adventure, waiting for my life's calling to the farthest reaches of africa, or the village in the opening scene of the hulk.
missionaries, as a general rule, are waiting to be sent to places that no one else wants to go. even if they don't passionately desire danger, it's always in the back of your mind: God could ask me to live in a cave in iran to minister to cave dwellers. that's probably racist. there are probably as many cave-dwellers there as here. but you get the point, yes?

the point is: i have not waited the last five years for the next great safe-place God was going to call me to. and now that i'm here, in this safe place, i have had a very hard time not resenting it. but God is protecting me, wanting to restore and refresh my heart and my soul and all the rest of me.

He is a good, good Father, who loves His children. He's so great, and i'm so ungrateful. bleh.

here's the thing about rest and restful places and whatnot: if you don't give in, you don't get it.

when you were a kid, did you ever protest going to bed for as long as you possibly could and then once you were in bed you stayed awake for as long as humanly possible just to prove a point?

or kids who don't want to take naps. naps are good. you will be a happier kid the rest of the day if you'll just go to sleep for a half hour right now.

that's me, metaphorically. who loses out on that one? me.

"just go to bed, holly. just rest," says God. *whine, whine, complain* "I'll wait as long as it takes," replies God.

part of me, for a while now, has known what He was asking of me...and i think part of me secretly hoped that if i held off long enough, He'd give up and move on. ridiculous, right? totally. and a word of advice to fellow followers of this hope: He's pretty patient. He could wait years. literally. just for you to learn that one point. just for me to learn to rest in Him.

Be still, O my soul, be still.


one day i'll write about how i've learned to be still. and i'll write about the incredible restoration i find there. the peace, the joy, the contentment, the certainty of faith and the absoluteness of hope.

i still wish He'd just move on, but He's too good for that. and secretly, i'm pretty thankful.

one day i'll get it. i just can't quite figure it out yet.

devoted follower #176

it's been three months since i last wrote anything...coincidentally it's been three months since my favourite funny blogger has written. i think my inspiration may have died with the beginning of the book project that seems to be stealing her from regular posts...(if you've never read hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com, please do, you won't regret it.)

The past few months have been absolutely crazy schedule-wise, and in the midst of all that it's been hard to pinpoint over-arching themes...or even a coherent train of thought...to put into words for a post that's worthwhile. 

so many excuses, so little time. 

the last few weeks, or maybe a month, i'm not sure, God has been highlighting to me the truth and the incredible importance of remembering what all of this--work, days, life, etc--is all about. 

at the end of the day, really every moment of the day, 

it's all about God. 

he started the story long before we were a part of it and he will continue the story (does it really have an end?) after we leave this lovely little planet. when we are born, we enter his story, not the other way around. sure if someone wrote a book about me there would be a page on which God enters my story...but the thing about this life, this present moment, is that we're not all in a book about me. heck, i'm not even in a book about me. we're all in the story of God's eternal kingdom. 

it's not that we're not important...

we're not those people on LOST that no one had ever seen before and therefore it wasn't a big deal when they got killed, or that random guy on the Office who got fired...where'd he come from? 

no. we are shockingly important to God. he is limitless in his capacity, but it's still nuts that he can care so deeply about so many people all at once! however, i think the fact that we know God knows us so well, loves us so much...i think we've turned it around a bit. like cats.*

have you heard that christian you're-super-special slogan, "if you were the only one, Jesus would have died for just you"? it may or may not be true, i'm not sure, the bible doesn't say it, but it has recently begun to annoy me...because he didn't die just for you. he died and rose to reconcile HUMANITY to himself. he died and rose to save us...we are meant to be the embodiment of his kingdom...so he died and rose to save his kingdom. right? (colossians 1:20, aye?)

if, in the beginning of time, God had not desired relationship with a people on earth that reflected to the rest of all creation the beauty of his kingdom come...would he have saved us? 

would he have saved me if the whole goal of the deal was to give me the desires of my heart, as i so often pray? 

or

did he rescue me--die and defeat death--to gain the desires of his heart? 

but the desires of my heart! my inheritance in Christ! my purpose! these are rightfully mine! it's good to seek them with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength!

wait, no. i am to love the LORD with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength. i am to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness. not the stuff he gives, not even the desires he gives. just him. him for the sake of all his glory. 

and the desire of his heart that he died to redeem....is me. and you. and us. and those people over there. (crazy.) he is my inheritance, yes, but i am his inheritance. i am rightfully his. 

i have spent so much time seeking the Lord for what he has for me. and when. and how. and why not now? and give it to me now! but i am learning that it's all about, "what are you doing, God? what are you desiring to do? and where shall i serve in that story?"

i don't have an answer to that last question yet, but what i do have is a better perspective of God, his kingdom, and his work on this planet that has allowed me to shake off despondency due to lack of personal calling or vision. i think God has been waiting for me to quit looking for the next page of my own story and start looking at the story he's writing, the next page and chapter in his book. 

because if i'm not keeping a watchful eye on his story--no not just that--if i'm not completely enthralled and obsessed with his story, then what am i doing? i'm just writing some side story that mentions him sometimes, frequently even, but never fully enters or bows to his authorship. his will. his authority. his kingdom come. 

i would rather be Devoted Follower #176 in the credits of God's movie than Holly The Great in my own. 

that being said, i want Devoted Follower #176 to be the girl whose devotion invites into the story Devoted Followers #177-1000, by whatever means the Lord should allow it. 

all for him, only for him.

Oh for grace to love him more...

i am the handmaiden of the Lord; let it be done to me according to what you have said. -luke 1:38

*you know that whole cat attitude..."you love me, so i must be awesome"...random thought, i know, but it was there and i had to write it.

bullet points.

alright. so i'm a little behind my own personal blog-schedule of one per month...
i have sat down a few times (and thought about sitting down a few times) to write, but i just haven't been able to think of anything blog-worthy.

i sort of like to blog mostly as a "note to self: you learned this," but sometimes it's hard to figure out what exactly i'm learning. so i might just, true to my thought processes, do a bullet-pointed list...we'll see how we go.


-pride & humility-
the first shall be last and the last shall be first, aye? but sometimes... sometimes i think that we (read: i) assume that we already are "last" or something, because we don't act like we don't need God and we're not as lame as the pharisees (or are we?) and so we actually start walking around like that "shall be first" part has already come. news flash to self: it hasn't. God does the exalting, i do the bowing down. lower, lower, lower.
like a waterfall: the joy of going lower and ever-giving. (props to hannah hurnard for that observation, and to God for pointing it out to her)
[sub-point: humility before God is a whole new sort of thing. not a new idea... just so much different than humility before people. isn't it? or is it not... because humility before people tends to be stuff like, "sorry, i was wrong," and not acting like you're better than everyone you meet and what not.
humility before God is more like..."woah, i do not know what's best for every person and situation in the world," and in a similar fashion, "not my will but yours... seriously."
my biggest downfall in this is that i have a hard time accepting this moment for what it is, without the things that i want it to be... people and places and such that i think should be in the present moment but are, apparently, in the future (or not).
i'm impatient, and my impatience says to God, "hey, you're not very good at planning." pride.]


-joy & strength-
what strength have we without joy in the Lord?
my day-to-day life doesn't always make me leap for joy; it's a choice to stop and rejoice in the Lord, to remember that my strength comes not from gritting my teeth and making it through, but from delighting my soul in the Lord. why? because i am a spirit with a body, not the other way around. i have to remember where the real food is.


-perseverance & honour-
i have recently been reading excerpts from the aforementioned hannah hurnard's journal, which has been uh-mazing. (do you ever read something that just stuns you? like you just can't make your eyes move past this word, this phrase, this thought...) she wrote, "Shall the clay vessel on the Lord's wheel and under his loving, molding hands, think of pain in the last stage of a long, joyous yielding to his patient fashioning?"
to my heart this said, "have we come so far only to give up now?" and what would such a concession to failure say of our Lord's faithfulness? here we have walked along toting a message of God's unending faithfulness and and unwillingness to concede the fruitfulness of his children, when suddenly all has ceased and we are yet to reach our boldly proclaimed destination. the truth is that it is i, not the Lord, who stops short of the finish line, but the message spoken to a curiously observant public is that maybe this so-called "faithful God" is not so faithful after all. the question that hits my brain and brings tears to my eyes is how could i thus dishonour the Lord? the one who has been so faithful to me? how could i let him be thought of as such? so contrary to the truth i know. (yeah, sometimes my brain talks to itself with words like "thus" and "as such". don't judge.)
surely it is the Lord's to defend is own honour... certainly he is able to make his glory known in all the earth, to every creature... but it is my glory to add honour. it's my glory to defend his name.
if i don't praise his name, even the rocks will cry out. no thanks, rocks, that's my gig.


-the value of blood-
i can't explain this one terribly well, but it's quite certain that the shocking value and necessity of Jesus' blood has been hitting my heart over and over recently, pounding me like sneaker waves. i am nowhere without it. more accurately: i'm somewhere i do not want to be.
the veil is torn and i get to go in now. the sacrifice is made my ransom is paid now. grace. how does that work?
it's like the reality that i am washed clean by Jesus' blood has hit my heart without really going through my brain... i don't get it, but i feel it.


i think that's sort of the end of it. there's more, surely, but one could go on forever rambling about thoughts and such...

oh i lift you high and bow down low;

how high can you be? how low can i go?

you gotta do what you gotta do.

sometimes you've just gotta blog. and use "words" like "gotta" (and later, awesome things like "btw").
i cannot, in good faith, say that i have very much to write about at this moment, but if i don't start writing nonsense i'll probably never write any sense.

next wednesday marks two months since coming back to oregon. how do i feel about that...





dunno.

but i will say this: God is good. and not because of this or that, it's just who He is. yes He has done good things, amazingly good things, and He will continue to, i am certain of it. and, for that matter, He's doing a good thing now. i just don't see it, sort of how a plant doesn't see the goodness in the pruning.

but faith isn't faith if you can see. faith is faith precisely because you can't see, yes?

and obviously the blindness alone doesn't prove the faith, blindness+belief is what we need--what i need.

this is how we bash down the enemy and combat his lies. he says that God is not good, not faithful, not just. he tells us, just as he told eve, that God is withholding something good from us. and when we give up and agree--there is no point in persevering, God will not come through--we say that satan's rebellion against the Lord was completely justified. we say that the deceiver is telling the truth.

pfff. in the words of the great wrestler, nacho libre: get that corn outta my face! (okay so it's not totally applicable, but it's the feeling of it)

the deal is, standing strong in the face of total chaos or confusion or unknown voids or broken dreams, dead ambitions, relinquished desires: if you can stand there and declare, even in a whisper, "God is good. God is faithful. God is just." then you say to the enemy, "you are wrong." and to the world, "don't listen to him."

"curse God and die!"
shut up, woman!

the victory of Job was not that he skipped and giggled his way through his trial (which satan gave him, not God, btw) his victory was that he refused to side with satan and man (and woman) and say that God was unjust, unfaithful, inherently not good.
he was confused and hurt and his perspective shrunk as the trial went on and he asked hard questions, but he refused to stand down. refused the concede that God must really not be good.

and God refused to concede job's fruitfulness. he refused to let job's life fizzle out into oblivion.

what a beautiful partnership...

God had to remind him of a few things towards the end there ("hey dude, do you know when all the forest creatures have babies? have you counted the stars?") because job wasn't perfect, he was human, but job knew God. and he stood by God. and he knew that God was standing by him. and satan hung his head (or haughtily put up his nose) and walked away defeated.

what an honour. to be on God's team. and win. every time.

i feel like a benched player at the moment. but the team is [always] winning. and i only lose if i defect to the other side. and i will not defect. and i know i'll be back in the game when i've had enough rest, recovery and gatorade (or coconut water, google it).

but mostly i feel like i'm standing blindfolded, knowing nothing of where i'll be led or when or how or if, perhaps, i am presently on a barge floating slowly toward some magnificent unknown land. and i question it, admittedly, quite frequently: still? why? can i know where yet? here? is here okay? can we go faster? did we really have to move in the first place?
but each question has a secondary punctuation of Godisgood. Godisfaithful. Godisredeeming.

and there's the underlying certainty that God paid too high a price for me to let me stay where i am forever and slowly sink into the ground. because underneath are the everlasting arms, yes? most certainly.

does an apple tree stare in jealous longing at the winter berries? i bet so. if it had eyes. but we all know that spring will come and with it bring leaves and then fruit to the apple tree. i just need the same faith for me.

for now my perpetual cry is, "i believe! help my unbelief."

and there's a bit of staring at the sky.
and a bit of staring at the ground.

God is good. God is faithful. God is just.

take that satan.

skinned knees and new covenants

 

a few weeks ago, a lovely woman named June gave me a bit of motherly wisdom that i didn't entirely enjoy but very much needed to come to terms with. she said we grow. and as a parent releases a child bit by bit, so does God release us. we learn from him, he trusts us more and more and becomes less directive and more co-operative. he walks with me. i think i told her that i didn't want to grow up, i wanted him to just tell me what to do, and i think she told me i was being silly. pfff.

i remember learning to ride my bike without training wheels, my pink bike and my pink helmet. my dad ran behind me at first, holding the seat to help me balance, but i looked back to say something to him and he was standing 20 feet behind me watching! smiling even! i was so shocked, and angry and flustered, that i instantly fell over. didn't even try to keep going. i was ticked that he let go without telling me first. i think part of me may have fallen just to prove a point.

those are the best terms i can put to how i felt about God this year: a scraped knee and a slightly irritated girl in a pink helmet standing with arms crossed asking, "what the heck, dad?!"

i don't actually recall how my bike riding experience resolved, why i ever trusted my dad again or why i ever got back on the bike again. i do remember that a few days later i rode down that same street by myself, no training wheels, standing on my seat and then hopping back down to pedal and turn before the cul-de-sac ended. and i do still trust my dad. so apparently i got over it.

i must have let him hug me and bandage my knee and i must have gotten back on the bike...i must have trusted him to show me again how to do it. ideally i would have trusted him the first time, trusted that he knew what he was doing, not freaked out and not fallen. but four things altered that idyllic situation:
1. i did freak out
2. i didn't think what he chose to do was right
3. i didn't keep riding
and 4. i fell.
and then he had to deal with it. deal with a crying little girl, tend to her wounds and coax her back on to the bicycle. it was all a part of me learning. and it was all a part of him being a dad.

those same four things have happened with me and God, with humanity and God: the freak out, the doubt, the stopping dead in mistrust and the falling. only with God my post-fall response was a bit more like, "well apparently i don't know how to ride a bike! and apparently you're fine with letting me fall! so i'm just gonna stand right here until you either explain this whole thing or give me an ice cream!"
but it has been a few days (months) and i'm not standing on my seat coasting down the road. but God is dealing with it. and i'm not demanding the explanation or ice cream anymore. i get it, sort of...he was just being a good dad.

earlier this month i felt God ask me, in light of my recent crossed arms and mistrusting glare, to receive his law again and to renew my covenant with him.
so i asked, "what law are you giving me and what's the covenant?" expecting some new and amazing thing...
but he said,"my law is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. love is a choice. choose to love me."
and then he said, "the covenant is my blood. you are washed, cleansed, atoned. it is enough. the blood of Jesus Christ has satisfied my justice, and you are secure in that. let go of everything else, i've already justified you."

he reminded me that our covenant had never changed. millennia ago he held out his hand in covenant and he has never retracted it. he has remained constant. his blood has always covered me. his arms have always embraced me.

it wasn't my dad who stood there and glared at me with mistrust in his eyes. it was me. it was never him who broke covenant with me. it was the other way around.

i read in a book recently, "We have become accustomed to covenanting with our shame rather than our Redeemer." (Unwilling to Concede--Brad Stanley)

that was me. standing beside my wreckage, hurt, staring at a father i did not understand, and didn't understand how to trust. i thought he was a bit of a jerk, to be honest. in hindsight he wasn't a jerk, he didn't let me ride into a brier patch, or traffic. and when i fell he didn't stand at a distance and say, "get up, deal with it," he came to me, and comforted me. and got me back on the bike.

and so did God. even when me and my bike and my knee had an agreement to stick with each other. even when i covenanted with my shame.

my dad didn't put the training wheels back on or tell me not to worry about this bike-riding nonsense. he knew i needed to learn, even if it meant falling.

God didn't baby me either. i wanted him to, of course, but he didn't. he knew i needed to learn.
God is committed to me as a father is committed to a child, committed to seeing me grow and take risks and learn. committed to letting me learn to ask for wisdom and not permission. to seeing me meet challenges, even fail challenges, and learn to stand up again and keep going. to learn lessons and use them to take on the next challenge, and conquer it.

even when i want him to, he doesn't control or dictate. he wants to co-create and co-labour. he wants to walk with me.

i've been learning that God doesn't want to bubble-wrap my life, but he does want to redeem every broken place. (i still kind of want the bubble wrap...)

God is committed to me growing. (dang it.) God is committed to redeeming every broken place. (awesome.)

so i washed off the year in a slightly chilly river, and i committed to his law again, and i took up my side of his covenant again. because training wheels aren't for twenty-three year olds. and God is too good to let me stand still forever.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!
...forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
...As a Father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103

what would he do about what?

in light of my current reading materials, namely the book of john, acts, and the myth of a christian religion by greg boyd, my little mind has been pondering that classic question, "what would Jesus do?" and the more classic cynic's response of, "about what?"

then you throw in some more reading material (my daily devotional) with the following thought:
"the glory of the Lord is the beauty of his character. it is risen upon you when you realize it, even though on earth you can do so only in part...the glory of the Lord is also risen upon you when you reflect that glory in your lives; when in love, patience, service, purity, whatever it may be, you reveal to the world a something of the father, an assurance that you have been with me, your Lord and Saviour."

i have been reminded of the importance of being aware of God's constant presence. and the constant awareness of the presence of Lord, his beautiful character, and his gracious and merciful attitude towards me ought to serve as a constant reminder: i am commanded to imitate this holy, loving, beautiful, humble, lowly, servant king, Jesus.

Jesus, the man who looked the downtrodden in the eyes. who stopped to speak to the beggars and prostitutes. and not to say, "repent or burn in hell!" but to say, "you are welcome in the house of my father. i know what you've done, but receive my grace and i do not condemn you."

this man saw incredible value in every individual person he spoke to, and most of those he chose to speak to were the ones society at large (religious devotees included) ignored entirely.

for whatever reason i do not encounter many "extreme opposition" moments in my life...i'm not often slapped or cursed at or persecuted...very rarely jailed or beaten or run out of town...and these are the situations we most often associate with Jesus and his disciples. when we think of acting biblically, we often gear ourselves up to face an angry mob with a serene Christ-like-ness or shun with a courageous "get behind me satan!" the overt temptations that will scream at us, "LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY! GET WILDLY DRUNK!"

but what we are most often faced with are ignored and undervalued checkers at the grocery store, a lonely woman sitting by herself on a bench, quiet self-haters standing off to the side at a social event. our temptations whisper to us with quiet nudging, "ignore that guy, he got himself in that situation...you don't have to put up with this lady's incompetence, you have things to do!" and we not only neglect to yell our fervent cry at satan, we generally don't even realize that we've been assaulted or tempted...we don't realize we've been overcome by an angry mob we didn't even see.

these are the moments when, i'm fairly certain, if we were fully aware of God's constant presence and Christ in the "least of these," our behaviours and responses to people--or really just our awareness of their existence--would be vastly different. hopefully we would be vastly more Christ-like. instead of waiting for the angry mob to cause us to ask, "what would Jesus do?" we would stand in line behind a smelly man, in front of a woman whose shopping cart keeps hitting our rear, waiting for a checker who is obviously new or else extremely slow, and think, "what would Jesus do?"

we would probably find ourselves turning around with a loving smile and talking to that woman. we would quietly pray blessings over the stinky man in front of us (Jesus died for the stinky, too). and when the time came we would make very sure that the checker knew we considered him better than ourselves (as paul exhorts), asking how his day has been, speaking a word of encouragement.

we would probably find ourselves, in light of this constant awareness of a loving God whose Spirit has made us His dwelling place, being more aware of the people around us who have "no beauty or majesty to attract us to [them], nothing in [their] appearance that we should desire [them]."

we would probably find ourselves washing people's feet.

the glory of the Lord is risen when we reflect the glory of His character in our lives.
"when in love, patience, service, purity, whatever it may be, you reveal to the world a something of the father..."

when we choose to live in the character traits of God, we make the presence that we are hopefully aware of plain for all to see.

my starting point, my challenge-to-self, has been just to notice. if i don't even notice people, how can i begin to love them like Jesus?

and yet you still seek him

You are seeking God, dear sister, and He is everywhere. Everything proclaims Him to you, everything reveals Him to you, everything brings Him to you. He is by your side, over you, around and in you. Here is His dwelling and yet you still seek Him. Ah!

-Jean-Pierre de Caussade