the beauty of redemption in the nativity story

[truly, this post is nothing more than reflections on spurgeon's christmas morning devotional, which i have either not read in the three years of owning the book, or which i simply did not see in years past the way i saw it this year.
regardless, i was astounded and filled with gratitude.]

the thought uses only two sentences on the page, but it struck me more than all the rest:

"The first promise ran thus, "The seed of the woman,"
not the offspring of the man.  Since venturous woman led the way
in the sin which brought forth Paradise lost, 

she, and she alone, ushers in the Regainer of Paradise."
-charles spurgeon

baby Jesus would grow up to become our Redeemer, but the very prelude to his birth had already begun redemption's work.
here is woman, here is man, invited once again into the co-creation of life on earth, and the endless life abandoned in the garden. 

in the beginning God created man and woman, in his image, to be his co-creators, givers and cultivators of life on earth. a beautiful relationship, and a single act destroyed it.

the first woman had ushered sin into the world by her quiet disobedience, 

while the first man stood by complicit. 

the perfection of God's created world shattered.

spurgeon's quote regarding the seed of woman is, i assume, referencing Genesis 3:15 --very shortly after the first fall, the first act of rebellion, this is the first whisper of redemption.

because of the sovereign choice of God leading to the birth of Christ,

a woman now ushered salvation in to the world by her quiet obedience,

while man stood bravely and honourably beside her.

redemption in the very fabric, the very threads, of the grand story.
the great tapestry of the nativity.

being fully aware that man and woman are prone to fall,

God graciously allowed woman another chance to choose well, 

allowed man another chance to choose courage.

was this his plan from the very beginning? 

God, ever gracious; Christ, ever humble. 

to invite us back into the story, over and over again, though we'd fallen so far,

he calls us back and offers us one more chance (always another) to choose him.

He has always been merciful. 

may we as women continue to courageously choose faith in His word, obedience.

may we declare in the face of all who lie to us--that God is holding out on us, that things would be better if we'd just take control--"the Mighty one has done great things for me; and holy is His name." (Luke 1:49)

may the Lord's men continue to stand strong, unswayed by popular opinion and current culture, obedient.

in the face of fear and circumstance, may they rise and do as the Lord has commanded. (Matt. 1:24)

neither seeking self-glorification, neither walking in fear of man. 

with eyes and hearts set on the Lord;

attentive enough to listen, quiet enough to hear.

this is not the image of a weak and subservient woman, 

this is the image of a strong, faith-filled, courageous, attentive, obedient, scripture-filled, and humble woman. a woman who said yes when there was no guarantee of anyone to stand beside her.

she chose obedience knowing it could lead to isolation, rejection, and even death; she accepted motherhood without the promise of a husband to parent alongside, to raise the son of God.

nor is this the image of a weak or subservient man.

this is a gracious, compassionate, just, merciful, righteous, attentive, obedient, faith-filled, honouring, humble, bold, and courageous man. a man who gave up his pride and reputation for the glory of God.

he stood beside an obedient but vulnerable woman with bold courage and protected her; he provided for her as she carried and delivered a child, he tenderly raised a son he hadn't fathered, teaching him skill and character.

may we emulate the mother and father of Jesus, who, despite their own weakness, ushered life and redemption into the world--or rather, the Lord ushered it in, and they humbly and courageously nurtured and stewarded it.

amen.

Suggested Reading and Viewing:

-Genesis 2 and 3: creation and fall of man

-Luke 1: Mary's story

-Matthew 1: Joseph's story
-The Nativity Story (2006): this movie has
given me a deep appreciation for the sacrifice
and courage of Mary and Joseph 

arrived

well, i have lived in los angeles county for nine days, and i like it.

there have been a few moments where my brain says to me, "WHAT THE HECK?!" but they're only moments, and they are quickly replaced by pure joy and excitement at the sight of palm-tree-lined streets.
i honestly wouldn't have thought palm trees could make me that happy, but apparently they do.

i feel honoured and blessed to be here. i know that it will be a challenge, i know that there is smog and traffic and five terrible streets for every lovely one, but it feels like a gift of a challenge, like how putting together ikea furniture is a challenge but then you have fun ikea furniture. only this is better than ikea furniture, though probably equally as uncomfortable.

i drove to redding last wednesday, after a trip to target with my mom, and one last tea from ike box. my beautiful friend chantel drove with me from redding to san jose to van nuys, which is where i actually live. she put up with my tired self and blessed me with prayers and the occasional "woo hoo!" as well as the occasional reminder, "holly, you live in l.a.!"
i've said the same thing to myself a few times over the last week, just to make sure i actually understand it: holly, you live in l.a.!

crazy.

the drive down was lovely, as lovely as a sixteen foot budget truck can be (let's face it though, the awesomeness of driving a truck that large mostly outweighs the trampoline-like feel and the 6-10mpg...six to ten?! who even knew that was possible).
i-5 goes through a lot of nothing in the midsection of california, and then a lot of beautiful hills, and then a lot of hills that you know will be so much more beautiful when the rain comes. and it'll come, i've been praying for it. it actually rained the day we arrived, which was glorious.

that's really all there is to report. i found the closest target and trader joes, so everything is going to be okay.

there's a lot to pray into, a lot to listen for, a lot of people to meet, and a lot of places to discover. there are also a thousand restaurants and coffee shops that need to be visited. and beaches that need to be sat on. i'm excited for all of it. so many adventures to be had.

i plan to blog about things God is teaching me, things i'm pondering, etc, as i always (intermittently) have. i plan to not blog a lot about ventures in l.a., outside of the occasional anecdote. i know that may sound weird, but i have my reasons. i plan to form a little email group of people who would like to stay informed about the "l.a. ventures" side of things for the purpose of prayer, a bit like a cheer squad, but without pom-poms, and with no need to ever chant anything...not really anything like a cheer squad.
okay, fine, i'll tell you my reason.
everything that i hope to pursue here is relational. it's all about building relationships, knowing people deeply, loving people well. hopefully forming community out of that. hopefully building a coffee shop for that. but it's all about people. and i don't want any of those people to feel weirded out or unloved or like projects because there's a blog on the internet chronicling our friendship. that's just weird, it's not normal friendship. and it seems a little exploitative.

so.

if you would like to support me in prayer, or help me cover the county of los angeles in prayer, or join together with what God is up to in los angeles (same/same/same), please let me know and i will put you on a delightful little list in a fantastic little program that helps me email groups with finesse, and sends me pictures of high fives when i send emails successfully.

you all are the best, thank you for your encouragement, and your cautionary tales of southern california, i appreciate them all equally.

a little life update

a year ago today (purely by coincidence as far as this update goes) i took an uncertain trip to hawaii, by myself, for a week and a bit. it was glorious. weird. but glorious.

six months ago, i wrote a blog about it, which alluded to the new hope and life that is born from the death of surrender. ("death" and "surrender" were, oddly, the main themes of my trip).

"new hope and life," in this particular instance, came in the form of vision for the future, which had been lacking in my life.

so i'm moving to los angeles. in a week and a bit.

i started to write this update when it was still hypothetical, about a month ago, but left it as a draft for some reason i don't recall.
probably because i don't like writing things until they're certain.
i like writing after i've learned things, once i have perspective, when i get it.

well i don't get it, really, if we're being honest, but i figure you can't up and move to l.a. without at least writing a blog about it.

in my month-ago draft, i wrote about the ebb and flow of walking with God. how there are times of activity and excitement, vision and passion, dreams and daring...
and there are times of waiting and watching, praying and uncertainty, hope and holding on.
the ebb and flow is necessary, i think, as are tides and seasons.
waiting and watching can't go on forever, just like cold and winter can't go on forever (as learned from Frozen).
activity and excitement can't go on unceasingly, just like sun and heat must give reprieve (shout out Lion King).

anyway, the last few years have been a time of waiting and watching. maybe it shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, maybe i was stubborn, but here we are. about to embark on action and excitement.
or action, at the very least.

so why los angeles?
i wrote a little about the moment that l.a. came into focus for me in my stories from hawaii, but without much detail, since i wasn't sure how it would all pan out.

[brief overview: in hawaii, total surrender, asked about vision, scoffed at being asked about vision, opened heart--ever so briefly--upward, and in a whisper: 
los angeles. coffee shop.
really?
really?

but of course! here are two things, quietly hidden in my heart, like treasures sunk deep in the sand under turbulent tides, two things which i had nearly abandoned, but God had never forgotten. 
my precious heavenly father...just waiting to whisper them to me again...

remember? there are things you care deeply about.

there are things your heart aches for,

comes alive at the thought of. 

and You know about them? care about them? the desires of my heart?

too good.]

over the years my heart has ached consistently for so many in the entertainment industry who seem to have very little grounding, very few people in life to remind them who they are, why they are, that they are enough. i think this is pretty prevalent in all circles, but it's made rather public in hollywood.

regardless of our place in society, our identities can get so easily entangled in outward things, things that are constantly shifting, things that could disappear in a moment. 

and if all of your little identity tentacles are wrapped around one moveable and uncontrollable thing and your feet rest on unstable ground...what happens when that thing leaves, when that ground shakes or crumbles? 

if all of your self-worth is found in numbers and accolades, 

what happens when the numbers don't add up and the accolades don't come in?

could you end up spending your entire life becoming a person that everyone else wants? that everyone else defines? a commodity? 

and after a while, could you realize that you're not sure who you really are, and you have no idea how to tell when you're enough? 

the phrase "die trying" comes to mind. 

my hope, in the broadest of terms, is to be available as a truth-speaking friend, a grounding voice, in a city that has become a hub of false proclamations, forged identities, and counterfeit values. 

if everyone else is telling you that you're worth nothing unless you can produce something, i would like to be there to tell you they're wrong.

i would like to be there to tell you that there is an unquantifiable and irrevocable value in the core of who you are; one that is unchanged by tides or opinions, unmoved by the strongest storm.

(like mufasa to simba--so many life lessons in that movie...though we may not all be "the one true king.")

so i'm moving to l.a. 

and this is my briefest explanation of why. 

and i know, i could do that anywhere, my mother agrees. but i'm going to head to l.a. and do it there for a while, and see how it goes.

feel free to stop by and say hi.

source

life and death and hawaii--the end, and the beginning

laying down all things to death was one of the more terrifying things i've ever done.
over a period of days, i went from confusion to uncertain acceptance to joy and complete agreement to fear and demanding answers before any decisions were made...and then finally, to surrender.

there's a man in the bible who was told he would die soon, and who begged for life, which was given to him: 15 more years.
in those years, he made a terrible decision which resulted in harm for the nation of israel, and had a son who turned israel away from the Lord.
there are many lessons to take from this series of stories, but the primary one in my mind is that Jesus had it right: our underlying, overarching, all-invasive prayer should be "not my will but Thine."

let Your will be done, God, and give me grace to accept it.


as i was laying on the floor, face down, praying for the strength and grace to surrender all, a friend asked if i had vision for the future.
i did not.
and God was asking me to lay down my life.
i felt like vision for the future was beside the point.

but, as i had done all i could to lay my heart down in absolute surrender, i turned my heart heavenward and opened it up, just the tiniest bit, in case He might have something to say about the future.
and He did.
things that were already in my heart, dormant, pushed aside, disconnected, and written off as "not now."

and where moments before there had been the emptiness of surrender,
there was now a resurgence of life, hope, and possibility.

death is necessary, but it is not the end.

it has been six months since my wonderful, odd, sacred, terrifying trip to hawaii, and i'm finally finishing writing about it today: Easter.

today we celebrate and declare that victory has been won.
not simply so we can brush off our mistakes and come clean. not only for the magnificent hope of heaven. and certainly not so we can eat chocolate and hunt for easter eggs.
we celebrate because death is not the end.
it is not victorious.
death is only part of the vast and necessary process of life.

when lazarus walked down the streets in his younger years, nobody pointed and said, "hey look at that alive guy!"
but when lazarus died.
when lazarus was raised to life again...people talked.
someone surely said, "hey, that guy was dead and now he's alive!"
someone surely glorified God.

and if that's what we're after, the glory of God, we've got to be a people who see the power and importance of more than Christmas, more than the birth.
yes, God became flesh and dwelt among us, as a man. it's amazing.
but the power and importance of good friday,
when the King of all creation laid down his life,
gave himself over to death,
and said with divine wisdom, "it is better for you that I go."
and the power of today, when he rose again. when death was swallowed up in victory.

Jesus lived in the infinite, and then in the flesh, and then passing through death brought the infinite life to the flesh.

it's incredible.

it's our blueprint for life.

"That which you sow does not come to life unless it dies...

It is sown a perishable body,

it is raised an imperishable body;

it is sown in dishonour,

it is raised in glory;

it is sown in weakness,

it is raised in power;

it is sown a natural body,

it is raised a spiritual body."

(1 corinthians 15)

that which you sow does not come to life unless it dies. 

amen.

life and death and hawaii

a few years ago, about four actually, through a series of circumstances and nudges and whispers and loud statements, God made it clear that i was being benched.
"no hard feelings, hols, but i'm pullin you out of the game for a bit."

no hard feelings? yeah right, my feelings were definitely hurt. i was ticked.

my first thought was that we were taking a little breather, before something huge and amazing and wonderful. that thought was quickly followed by complete disbelief, because all of the amazing and huge and wonderful things i wanted, and felt God had spoken, had just been left behind. quite abruptly.

flash forward a year or so, when i finally started to get it: what it is to rest, to breathe deeply, to accomplish little outwardly and believe that much is being accomplished inwardly. and to be okay with that. thankful, even. maybe joyful. sometimes.
flash forward a month or so, when a friend said, "i still believe in the things God put on your heart."
no. that's silly. stop that. you're ruining my rest.
believe? for the future?
I THOUGHT WE WERE LAYING EVERYTHING DOWN. i am benched,  God won't let me do the things i wanted, or be where i wanted to be, how can i possibly believe for the future. no.
no.

before the benching, i was out there, on the field, doing my thing. let's say i was an outfielder, i don't think it matters which one. i felt effective there. i felt like i understood my contribution to the team. and i felt like that contribution was important. quiet, maybe, but important.
while i sat on the bench, of the kingdom of God, i had my eye on that patch of grass: that beautiful outfield. and i waited for it. i stared at it and tried to surrender it all at once.
when i felt like it was a no, no we're not going back to that piece of grass, then i didn't know what to do, so i stared at the ground in the dugout.
i don't like any other positions, and i don't know how to play any other positions, and i don't want to learn. i will learn to love my spot on the bench. i will be the best bencher ever. and i will be hospitable to all else who become benched.

after a while, God started bugging me about things...making me care about things. started prodding me to care about the team again. all of the positions still sounded stupid, but i started to really care about the whole team again. i wanted people in positions that suited them, and i wanted the team to win.
i wanted the kingdom of God to bust a move and be victorious.
i was like the team manager in little league...i wasn't allowed to play, but i was a cheerer and an encourager and an exhorter and a "get back out there and give it all you got!!"-er.
somebody else was playing my outfield position. whatever. take it. i'm on the bench. i'm being awesome on the bench.

then came hawaii and whispers of death and total confusion because there isn't anything left to die to! everything is dead! and then, "no, holly, death."

the questions lay before me:

do you want to see the kingdom come, 

to see Me glorified, 

so badly that you are willing to play whatever 
position i ask you to to see that happen?

 are you willing, even, to be on the heaven side of the team 
rather than the earth side of the team 

if it means the most growth of the kingdom on earth, 

and the most glory given to Me? 

are you going to sit on the bench and wait for the position of your dreams, 

the one you've always wanted, 

and close your ears and eyes and heart to the possibility of anything else, 

even if it means that My kingdom is suffering? 

will you demand to be put back on the field, on your coveted patch of grass, 

even if it means the team is weakened 

and you are less satisfied and ultimately less fruitful because of it?

basically, are you looking for the glory of God? 
or the happiness of your own circumstances.

if you aren't willing to lay everything down, life itself, are you really willing to lay anything down at all? or are all of your lay downs just partial, just conditional?
"sure i'll lay this down, because you must have something better for me."
"when one door closes another one always opens!"

we are confronted by Jesus, are we not?
Jesus who said yes to the laying down of His rightful place. yes to the laying down of His deserved glory and honour. yes to laying down the right to be worshiped and venerated.
yes to laying down His life.

and so, in fear and trembling, i said yes. yes, Lord, whatever you want from me, it's yours. take my life, literally if you will. you know what is best, and it's all for your glory anyway.
i cannot call him "Lord" and also lay out conditions, hold to provisions.
he's either Lord, or he's not.

i laid my body down on the floor, my heart bare before a Father, my life in the hands of a King...

and the strangest thing happened:
new life. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," 

declares the Lord,

"plans for welfare and not calamity

to give you a future and a hope."

-Jeremiah 29:11

life and death and hawaii (the long version)

over the last few years, i've felt this quiet but consistent nudging about hawaii...
hawaiian bumper stickers...hawaiian license plates...shirts from hawaii...808 everywhere.

it was so out of the blue and so frequent that i started praying about it: should i go to hawaii?
i felt like i should. i don't recall if i had a date in mind at first, but i know that over time there were a few dates that went through my head, "go on this day." and i'd think about it, and think no...such and such is happening then, or that's right before _______.

after a few of these excuse parties, the whole hawaii thing quieted down for a bit. but it wasn't the peaceful kind of quiet...it was like the quiet that follows the pestering of a small child, who finally relents and leaves the room: you become suspicious of the quiet the moment you notice it.

so i said to God, "if you still want me to go to hawaii, bring it up again, pester me again, and give me a date."

so there it was, october 17th. the open invitation, with no stipulations....not even a particular island.
so i finally made the move, requested the time off, bought the ticket, reserved a room at ywam kona, took a deep breath, and went to hawaii.

i was nervous. nervous that nothing would happen, that it would all end up looking ridiculous, like a waste of time and money, like a person who wanted time off and so claimed that "God said to go to hawaii." i was nervous that i might meet someone i wanted to marry. i was nervous that i might not meet someone i wanted to marry. i was nervous that i would be too nervous to quiet down and hear God. i was nervous that i WOULD hear him and that what he said would be too much!

o me of little faith...

on the third day i finally sat quietly before the Lord, on my knees in my room.

these times are precious...

they drip with gold, and i understand what it means to sing, 

"Your name is like honey on my lips, your Spirit like water to my soul..."

these times are terrifying...

when your mind is quiet and your heart is trusting and you really allow God to say whatever he wants...

he says whatever he wants. 

and, in my experience, he often trusts us with
more than we'd like to be responsible for. 

like being entrusted with a secret, a piece of someone's deepest truest self,
and immediately feeling unable to bear it. 

in these times he has shown me the weight of his sacrifice for me

he has asked what i will offer in return

he has invited me to move across the earth

he has shown me the depths of his heart for a nation

he has asked me to lay down everything i wanted

he has shown me that his love does not always look how i want it to

that he trusts me more than i wish to be trusted

that he will be my refuge, and that means leaving every other shanty behind

he has asked me to live my life for his glory, and not my comfort

and now, in hawaii,
with humidity hugging me and warm sun shining outside my window,

he spoke to me of death.

"death to rights or self or something?" a friend asked.

"no, that's the thing, just death. death itself." i replied nervously.

it's funny, looking back, that everything the Lord had said up until that point, every verse, every piece from books i was reading that had stood out, all of it was so reassuring.

rest in the Lord

wait on the Lord

trust in the Lord

commit your way to the Lord, and he will do it

blessed is the one who takes refuge in the Lord

all the paths of the Lord are lovingkindness

so very affirming that God is in control, that he will do what he needs to when he needs to, and that my only job is to fix my eyes on him, and allow my heart and spirit to rest in him. relax into him. like floating on water. 

and yet here he speaks something i am uncertain about, and my immediate response is "what? what do you mean? what does that mean? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!"

i waited and hoped for an area of sin, or the unveiling of something that needs to be surrendered. death to _______ (insert something that needs to die metaphorically).

nothing. 

death itself. that was all that hung. 

the songs playing, the pieces of scripture that i felt to read, it all centred on this idea of surrendering life, actual life, back to the giver of life. 

take the world, but give me Jesus...

though there are many things on earth that i hope for, would i lay it all down to find my satisfaction in him alone?

be Jesus my glory, my soul satisfied...

if i was told i would soon die, would i fight desperately for more of life, like hezekiah? or would i pray as Christ, "if it possible, may this cup be taken from me. yet not as i will, but as you will."?

so i said yes. a little stunned, a lot uncertain, but yes. yes of course. 

Lord, to whom shall we go?

it took me off-guard, and i didn't know where to go from there...so i went about my day.

everything i had been contemplating, about the preparation of a bride and the giving back "the life i owe, that in Thine ocean depths its flow may richer fuller be"...everything now seemed to meld into this theme of death. real, actual, death. 

all of these things i had read before, songs i had sung before, things that had brought hope, and yes surrender, but surrender of life, all of it seemed now to speak of death. 

it is true, of course, that lasting life only comes through death, that nothing can be resurrected for eternity which has not first been laid down unto death...that we are to bear our crosses and follow Christ's example of surrender.
but we in western christianity read that as giving money, living without internet, fasting for lent...ending a relationship.
we see it as the giving up of comforts we've come to expect, and rarely consider the possibility of giving up our lives for the call of Christ. we may use the phrase, but i think its weight eludes us.

before i had read these truths with a certain amount of arrogance...

one thing i have asked from the Lord, that i shall seek:

that i may dwell in the house of the Lord

behold, Thou hast made my days as handbreadths,

and my lifetime as nothing in Thy sight,

surely every man at his best is a mere breath

sure...but

  the Lord is the defense of my life; whom shall i dread?

right?

now i read them with trembling, reverence, and a slowly increasing fear...what exactly is God saying?

at a certain point, after pages and pages of lyrics from my shuffling ipod and verses that came one after another, of thoughts and fears and questions and prayers, moments of bold declarations, lapses into fearful pleas...there came a quietness. i did not at all feel resolved, but my time certainly felt over. and worship was about to start, which i knew was an absolute necessity.

worship time, every song, was all about surrender. thanks for nothing, worship.

that afternoon i picked up my henri nouwen book, life of the beloved, which was nearing the end.

henri was discussing his thoughts on death. thanks, henri.

it was actually incredibly encouraging, and made me really, strangely, excited about the prospect of death...that it was our final becoming, transformed into his likeness, made our truest selves...

"...dying is the greatest act of love,

the act that leads me into the eternal embrace of my God

where love is everlasting."

the next day, themes of death did not abate as i had hoped they would...feeling that maybe all i needed was to understand that death is our glorious new life, etc, etc, and that would be that. 

it wasn't.

i wrote heartfelt notes to people who mean the world to me, i prayed for every person and place on my heart, not wanting to miss my chances here, on this planet, able to speak life. 

i fought hard to gain a heroic and mature outlook on death, wanting so much to gladly surrender. 

it took me hours to fall asleep that night.

i woke up the next morning.
i was a little surprised. no death...alright, one more day.

i read things and got coffee and tried to quiet my mind and listen to whatever the Lord would say...tried to make sure that my fearful mind wasn't just going to bring up death again and get stuck there. 

it worked for a while, but not for terribly long. 

as night approached, i realized i couldn't do it again, lay in bed for hours and wonder if i would wake up the next morning, wondering who would tell my parents, my friends...

i hadn't talked to anyone about my ponderings of mortality, i was sort of waiting for someone a little bit neutral to process it with...someone who wouldn't really mind if i died...who wouldn't be heartbroken and therefore could listen to me and speak without much bias. 

it was nearly time for bed, and i had not found that neutral person. so i called one of my dearest friends, one who was least likely to speak out of fear and most likely to help me listen to God no matter how shocking such a phone call might be. i also sent a text to a few others, asking for prayers for peace. 

my dearest friend listened as i cried out all of my fears...and i waited for her to say "i think the Lord is saying ________(insert less intense thing, or death metaphor, or comforting thing)." 

she did not fill in the blank how i had hoped. she confirmed everything. she said yep, that's right, we have to be completely prepared to lay down our lives. our lives. not just our "lives". she said she planned her funeral at 15, when she first felt the Lord call her to missions. 

and she prayed for peace. so at least she said one thing i wanted her to.

we hung up and i got on the floor, on my face, and cried, and surrendered my life. 

i told God to have his way, i told him he knows best, that i want what's best for his kingdom, and that if what's best for his kingdom is holly lewis being in heaven rather than on earth, then who am i to stand in the way. all of my pleas for the great things i wanted to accomplish, for the people i wanted to save, for the revolutions i wanted to be part of, i hushed all of them.

i give you back the life i owe

that in Thine ocean depths its flow may

richer, fuller be.

...my life is not my own, i know, it's yours...

i asked for help to surrender, help to live in the present moment and trust him with every future moment. i declared him Lord, over and over again. i cried.

in Thy book there were all written,

the days that were ordained for me...