doubt

"The opposite of faith is not doubt, it's certainty."

-attributed to Anne Lamott

The first time I really doubted God was a number of years ago, shortly after a friend had died.

I was standing in a room full of people who knew him, who had prayed for his safe return, his miraculous survival, and we were singing in worship. To God. Who had not answered our prayers.

I had been wrestling with it for a few days, first with, "if God doesn't fix this I don't know how I feel about God." and then with, "He didn't fix it. What does that say about God?" 

And then we're standing there telling God, "You're worthy of all of our praise."

And just didn't know if I could do it. 

I crossed my arms.

A few years later a lot of things happened all at once and I felt abandoned, neglected, ignored. My friends and family were great, but I felt like God couldn't care less. For quite some time. 

From what I understood about God, he was apparently always interested in my life and always wanting to show me the next place to go, lead me in his beautiful plan. And suddenly I felt like there was no plan and I had to figure life out on my own. 

Improvisation is not my passion.

My journal, once flooded with prayers and revelations, thanksgiving and outpouring of heart, was now sparsely decorated with questions, uncertainties and frustrations. Where is God? did I ever really know him? was I wrong?

I've spent a lot of time over the years being very certain about a lot of things. But I've also spent a good deal of time being very uncertain about a lot of things, and I feel like it's time to fess up.

I've been pondering a lot of things lately, asking a lot of questions and reflecting on a lot of past "certainties." Things I have known. Things I have not asked questions about. 

And in all of the muddle of questions floating around my brain, one thing was very clear: 

I have never been honest about my doubt.

I have perhaps told one trusted friend, maybe two, frequently none at all. Mostly I have continued on under a charade and acted as if there was no real doubt. 

...Sure, things are hard right now, but doubt? Of course not...

...No I don't understand, but at the end of the day of course I believe. Who am I, Judas?

It struck me what an extreme disservice that charade is, to myself and to everyone else.

Am I the only person who's ever doubted God? Certainly not.

But where is the space for questions?

The Church at large, with the help of many of its subscribers, has created an environment of cut and dry, in or out. 

You're with us or you're against us. 

You're not sure? We'll pray for you.

You think maybe you'll vote for what? That's not Christian.

You don't agree? Well God's ways are higher than ours...

You feel distant? Well God doesn't distance himself, you need some self-reflection.

Remember what God said to Job: who are you to question your maker?

But woah woah woah. Take a step back and read the psalms: David is the golden child of Bible characters and he questions the HECK out of God. The Heck.

Maybe we've been trying to create our own rock-on-which-we-stand, so that when all of life is uncertain, we can stand strong in what we believe. And we've talked the good talk like that rock is God. and not just religion.

What we've done, I'm afraid, is create a chasm between absolute certainty and absolute disbelief: 

there is no middle ground, pick a side.

And there are a lot of people who aren't comfortable with being all in. So they choose all out. 

And there are people who are pondering, but clearly can't participate until they believe, like a televangelist shouting from the rooftops, so they keep a safe distance. 

Because if they test the waters we all try to quickly save them from their terrible dangerous place of doubt.

We try to baptize them like Nacho Libre and Esqueleto.

So let me tell you: I'm occupying some middle ground right now. And no I don't need to be rescued from it. I don't need a sneaky baptism. And yes I plan to make room for some questioners along side me. I don't plan to lure them. Just welcome them.

Maybe a comfy chair. Perhaps a cup of tea. 

I do not believe that faith is a knowing, a math equation, a proven scientific formula. 

I believe faith is hope and fear, desperation and gratitude and questions, elated epiphanies and feeling like the floor just gave out underneath you. 

Faith is saying in the face of circumstance, "I will praise God anyway."

And faith is saying in the face of circumstance, "I'm not sure I can do this today."

Faith is not a subscription to a certain set of rules, or an approved list of acquaintances or political perspectives, it's not a vote or an allegiance to this or that group of people. 

We do not know God like we know Pythagoras's Theorem. 

Really, we know God more like we know science: we are in a continual searching--sometimes discovering how little we have known, often discovering how little we know still, testing theories by applying them in real life situations and standing by them until they are disproved, or better understood. Some concepts we know to be incomplete, like gravity, but not yet having a better understanding, we use the terms to loosely define the experience. 

If this is true we ought to, as scientists do, welcome questions, applaud new ideas, appreciate other perspectives. We ought to discuss with candor our disagreements, questions and ideas. 

The universe exists as it does, and no amount of us being wrong or uncertain about it will change it. 

God exists as he/she/all-encompassing-pronoun does. Let's give each other space to explore, and stop building walls around our certainties in order to protect them from other people's doubts. It's irrational, and it's unloving.

To everyone who has not been sure about things, who is not sure about things, I apologize for my facade of certainty. It was self-protective, unloving, and unfair.

I intend to live life a little more honestly now, with less walls and more space for questions.

That is all.

Suggested listening:

-The Liturgists Podcast-

-This conversation-

(I highly recommend the unedited version)

-The new Gungor album-