to start this off, i have to give a shout out to christina cupitt, because this is about bugs and God, and i'm pretty sure she'd appreciate that connection.
i was sitting on the back porch reading tonight when i noticed a rollie-pollie bug walking towards me. (there are a few different names for them, but the enclosed pictures should clear up any confusion...)
needless to say, i got really excited. i know it's a bug, but i put rollie-pollies up there with lady bugs (lady beetles for the aussies). i just think they're cool. when i was little i would find as many as i could and make a house for them somewhere. they never seemed to have as much fun as i did with this activity...when they looked bored i'd flick them a little to make them roll up. i assumed they enjoyed this...my adult brain now recognizes the rolling as a protective move, a reaction based in fear. back then it seemed fun for both of us.
so tonight i poked this little bug a bit so it would roll up (even with my understanding of the poor creature's fear...i am cruel) then picked it up and put it in my hand. if the image you presently have in your head, now knowing that i picked up the rollie-pollie, is one of a happy little bug crawling around my hand, you are quite mistaken. it just stayed there in a ball. for quite a while. so long, in fact, that i went on reading out of boredom in waiting for it to open up. it lay there on its side, balled up, moving one single antenna around a little bit, for a good sixty seconds.
in my very distinct understanding of the world, my adultness and maturity, i asked aloud, "why won't you open?" and instantaneously realized, and vocalized to this poor mute creature, "ah, you don't know where the heck you are! you are very uncertain."
my natural response to this supposed excuse for not opening is, of course, "but you're in my hand! i'm not a bird who's going to eat you, i'm not a giant bug who's going to fight and kill you (a la honey i shrunk the kids: ant vs. scorpion). you are safer here in my hand than you were before." but obviously my tiny little friend didn't know that, and because he was too scared to look around (truly, i know neither the sex of this creature nor his optical abilities, but we get the idea, yes?), paralyzed by this sudden change of surroundings, in a place that felt different, smelled different, looked different (whatever antennae's do, that's what was different)...to be safe, he just lay there for a good while.
all of this to say, i know how he feels. and when i realized the reason for his stillness, realized that despite my good will toward him, and his safety in my hand, he was too small and too limited in understanding to have that same realization at that same moment. i immediately had compassion for him. yep, i felt compassion for a bug.
but i felt God saying to me, "you are in my hand, and you're fine, but i understand that you can't move just yet." i felt his compassion. his understanding that my finite mind needs to leave me rolled in a ball cautiously reaching out one single antennae to get a feel for my new surroundings. safer? yes. better? yes. in the palm of one who would never do anything which is not best for me. in the palm of someone who watches my every step, rather than letting me wander unprotected on the ground. and yet i am untrusting. fearful. it's foolish in reality, but he understands. he is not impatient. though i'm not sure he's in the middle a book which he goes back to reading while he waits for me to move, i am certain that he waits with the same amount of loving patience. and the reason for his patience? he delights in me. he enjoys me. he know what it will be like when i gain confidence, unroll, and move.
i gotta say, that's why i was patient with my bug friend. i like those little bugs, and i was genuinely delighted (odd as that may be) to see him, to hold him in my hand, and to watch him walk around.
obviously there are differences between my relationship with that bug and my relationship with God...God and i have a relationship that pre-dates my change of 'surroundings'. i know him, have known him, i know his character and his love. that bug and i have, despite my aforementioned affection for him, never met before tonight. he had no good reason to trust me.
no matter what happens, how quickly i am removed from my previous circumstances, i should always walk with bold confidence, knowing i am in the loving hand of my great Defender. despite that fact, the honest truth is that i don't. i freeze. i have frozen. i became quite disoriented there for a bit. these last months...this last year...has been one of laying rolled up in the hand of one who has patiently and compassionately waited.
i have to say though, i feel myself beginning to unroll. my little antenna has been out there feeling around for a bit now...i think it actually discovered a while ago where we were (me and it...or whatever the human equivalent of it is) but i didn't want to open up until i knew where we were going to go. i have not been satisfied just knowing that i'm safe in his hand. i have needed to know where we were going to be going once i decided to unroll. alas, i don't think he's going to show me until i open up and look around, satisfied with knowing he's holding me. fortunately, i have been laying there waiting for absolute certainty to wash over me for so long that i think i'm unrolling out of sheer boredom.
{the craziest thing just happened...i looked away from the computer and noticed something moving towards me on the floor...a rollie-pollie. i left mine on the porch three hours ago. that is just nuts. i am happy to report that due to this small miracle, the picture of a rollie-pollie in a hand is my rollie-pollie in my hand, instead of the hairy man-hand which you never saw but which was previously displayed}
point: he has been lovingly and expectantly awaiting, all this time, the moment that i would choose to trust fully, unroll and start moving. that moment is just about here.
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