be here now

i have spent much of this past year asking myself one question quite frequently: what is wrong with you?!

maybe that seems a little harsh at first glance, but it's a fair question. 

no matter how hard i've tried (and believe me, i've tried hard) i have been unable to shake this general feeling of immobility. like my clothes are made of led. or i'm walking in flip flops through mud. or i'm wearing dark shades and ear muffs though very much desiring to see and hear. 

and i've tried looking with eyes intently peeled, and i've tried standing still with eyes casually glancing around, and i've tried standing still with eyes shut, ready to be taken by the hand in any direction. i've tried walking and i've tried lying down. i've tried announcing my position and i've tried keeping quiet. 

i have scrutinized my past and decisions that may have thrown me off the right track, i've tried analyzing where i'm going, where i want to go, where i was going before i stopped moving and whether or not that direction is still true.

i have talked to God and not talked to God. i have worshipped and remained silent. i have prayed for others and waited hoping to receive prayer. i have stayed through intercession and left. i have read and i have written and i have listened and i have walked and i have laid motionless and i have cried and i have enjoyed company and i have hidden away. i have fasted and feasted. 

i have done everything (other than drugs and witchcraft) possible and have gotten nowhere. no answers. no clarity. 

just one recurring nudge: rest, take refuge in God. 

(but what does that mean?)

and then today i realized that i have done everything except be. i have been everywhere except present. i have analyzed everything except this moment. i have sought God in everywhere except now. 

"were you speaking when it hurt? did i fail you? was i not listening? did i choose wrong? why can't i hear you? where do you want me to go now? what do i do now that i've left all that i know behind? what if i pick the wrong way? why can't i hear you?!" 

but what did God tell moses when asked his name? God said, "I AM." now. here. 

eternal, yes. from eternity past until eternity future. but NOW. God is outside of time and space, yes, not bound by it, yes, but here with us. with me. and i am bound by time and space. and God doesn't expect me to live outside of those bounds just because i know him. 

so. if God IS, and i am thinking about the past or the future, then i am not abiding in him, i'm abiding in something else. how many times have i read those verses in scripture this year? "abide in me", "take refuge." but what does that mean??

i think God is saying to me, "i am here, now. just be here with me."

so. God is omnipresent, and  God is now, and God is love, and if i exist with him here and now then i exist in his love, yes? and God's love is perfect, shown to me through Christ's sacrifice for my redemption on the cross which said, "you mean this much to me, your name is cleared from here on out, and you don't have to do anything more if you will just trust me." so here and now (because God is here and now) i am wholly loved (because God is love) and redeemed and justified (because Jesus did those things). 

God is unchanging, and his word never fails, so if he said that then, it's still true now. yes? and same for me, right? if i said i trusted him when i was 12 then it's still true now, right? 

so wrong...he might be unchanging, but this chick has to choose every day, every minute, to trust him. but if my mind is focused on the past and the future, how can i possibly trust him in the present? how can i possibly abide in his perfect love? 

i can't do it. i wander aimlessly. i seek something that does not yet exist or has already ceased to be and thus remain lost.

so, past self, to answer your question: your problem is that you're living in a really lame fantasy land of non-existent things. taste and see that the Lord is good! blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

"abide in me, and i in you. as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." -jesus

i can't make past-me abide in him and i can't make future-me abide in him, but i can choose right in this moment to abide in him, and hopefully i will remember in the next moment, too. 

maybe i'll leave my next-moment self a note just incase.