about how He'll say things to me, but not say anything.
or rather, He'll say things to me, but not say things to me.
by that i mean, He won't say what i want to hear.
(God won't be my yes man. dang it.)
i have had slow realisations, however, that He has spoken; He's even repeated Himself. the message has been fairly clear the whole time. and i mean....the whole long time.
some of you will remember when i went to new zealand for holidays over Christmas...in 2009...that was the first time, at the beginning of this rather long season, that He told me to be still.
surprisingly (read: not surprisingly at all) i spent the first seven days of that 10 day trip not resting. i spent it trying to get answers and a plan from God. 10 steps to everything's-great: go!
didn't happen.
on the 8th day (i'm pretty sure on these numbers, forgive me if they're a little off when my memoir comes out) God gave me a but of a....rebuke? no, He just asked me a question: why did I ask you to come here?
BAM! knife to the heart.
to be still, God; you told me to be still.
so here we are, nearly two years later, and it has only just (in the last few months) occurred to me that i have spent a large portion of the last two years being DISOBEDIENT to One who asked me to rest. to be still with Him. to find safe pasture in His heart.
why?
honestly, safety sounded lame.
i think i've written that before. safety sounds so lame when the four years previous to that command ("enjoy safe pasture") were spent waiting for the next big adventure, waiting for my life's calling to the farthest reaches of africa, or the village in the opening scene of the hulk.
missionaries, as a general rule, are waiting to be sent to places that no one else wants to go. even if they don't passionately desire danger, it's always in the back of your mind: God could ask me to live in a cave in iran to minister to cave dwellers. that's probably racist. there are probably as many cave-dwellers there as here. but you get the point, yes?
the point is: i have not waited the last five years for the next great safe-place God was going to call me to. and now that i'm here, in this safe place, i have had a very hard time not resenting it. but God is protecting me, wanting to restore and refresh my heart and my soul and all the rest of me.
He is a good, good Father, who loves His children. He's so great, and i'm so ungrateful. bleh.
here's the thing about rest and restful places and whatnot: if you don't give in, you don't get it.
when you were a kid, did you ever protest going to bed for as long as you possibly could and then once you were in bed you stayed awake for as long as humanly possible just to prove a point?
or kids who don't want to take naps. naps are good. you will be a happier kid the rest of the day if you'll just go to sleep for a half hour right now.
that's me, metaphorically. who loses out on that one? me.
"just go to bed, holly. just rest," says God. *whine, whine, complain* "I'll wait as long as it takes," replies God.
part of me, for a while now, has known what He was asking of me...and i think part of me secretly hoped that if i held off long enough, He'd give up and move on. ridiculous, right? totally. and a word of advice to fellow followers of this hope: He's pretty patient. He could wait years. literally. just for you to learn that one point. just for me to learn to rest in Him.
Be still, O my soul, be still.
one day i'll write about how i've learned to be still. and i'll write about the incredible restoration i find there. the peace, the joy, the contentment, the certainty of faith and the absoluteness of hope.
i still wish He'd just move on, but He's too good for that. and secretly, i'm pretty thankful.
one day i'll get it. i just can't quite figure it out yet.
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